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Daughter Cuts, Tells Mom She Wants to Die. Abuse?

Dr.Laura
I'm praying that you can help me, to help my daughter, before its to late for her !

Recently, i came across a "Internet chat conversation" of my 12 yr old daughter; she spoke about how her father was sick, and how he abused her or touched her!

I approached her on this, she said that she felt uncomfortable when he rubbed her tummy...seems harmless to me. then she tried saying that it wasnt about her father, it was about an incident with her and myself, when i smacked her. Her dad and I are divorced. She and her stepdad do not get along.

I recently did something, that maybe i shouldnt have, but i'm not sorry ...I went through her diary, i found out that she had planned on having sex, but it didnt happen. Also she and her best friend had a sleep over with another friend, during the sleep over, they got into some alcohol and got drunk. Then i also read how she and her 2 friends have recently tried "strawberry meth"....She also wrote on how she tried killing herself, by putting a rope around her neck, and she wanted to die....these are all the things i've read in her diary.

I dont know how to deal with all this. Sure, i can get her help, but what kind of story will he tell, will it be lies to make herself look like the victim ? I know she is screaming out for help, and i really thought that we were on the right road to that, we talked more, and i told her how proud i am of her, and that i see shes trying really hard at making things good.

But now, i discover all these things have been happening. I cant talk to her dad about this, because he wont talk to me. I cant talk to my husband because he just thinks shes a brat, and that i dont know how to parent. I'm questioning myself on if i am a good parent or not.

She lies to me all the time. She will do things that she knows i do not approve of. Last year she tried cutting her wrist by making marks all over them. It just seems that when we take one step forward, the next day we end up taking two steps back. I'm so scared that she will try and seriously do permanent harm to her self.

Maybe if her and i get into a big argument, or if a boy she likes is not liking her back, that she will try and commit suicide. I"M SO SCARED...PLEASE HELP ME TO HELP MY DAUGHTER. help me to find the right words to say to her. She has written many times on how if she wasnt here, that mommys life would be better..that is so far from the truth, if anything happened to my daughter, i would just die myself. She writes alot about dying.
-- Scared Mom

Dear Mom,
I'm so glad that you wrote. You are right to be scared. Yes, your daughter is crying out for help. She has already started to cut her wrists to the point of leaving marks all over them. She writes about wanting to die and has actually tried putting a rope around her neck to experiment with the idea of killing herself. We don't know what is upsetting her or whether she was in fact sexually abused, but we know with certainty that something is hurting her deeply, and she is very fragile.

This is not something you can handle yourself. Naturally you are in a panic. Talking with her about how much you love her and how proud you are of her is great, but it is not enough right now. She needs professional help, and so do you, so that you can be the parent you want to be to her right now and through her teen years. This is particularly true given that you do not have support from her father or stepfather, but any mom in your situation would need help.

Please don't wait. Find a counselor who is experienced in working with kids and teens that the two of you can see together, right now. This counselor will also want to see your daughter alone some of the time, but be sure that you get some counseling time together to repair your communication with your daughter, and some by yourself, to help you with your own panic.

The silver lining here is that you have an opportunity to intervene while your daughter is still young enough to be open to your influence. I wish you, and her, every blessing.

Dr. Laura

Leave a Comment

Anonymous commented on 13-Nov-2009 07:32 PM
:O don't read her diary! That's personal.
Anonymous commented on 06-Jan-2010 07:21 AM
u shouldnt have read her diary my mum didi the same thing with me and i hated her for it
Anonymous commented on 12-Feb-2010 03:10 AM
Really, that's your main concern after reading this- that the mom read the diary? Her daughter is a troubled girl, and her mom needs to do everything and anything she can to save her.
Anonymous commented on 08-Apr-2010 05:05 PM
If she had not read the diary she may not have know all these things and then she would have not been there to help. At that age a mother has every right to read or go through stuff to ensure their kids are okay.
Anonymous commented on 21-Jun-2010 02:51 AM
What the hell, im a fourteen year old girl myself and i can tell you for sure, your daughter isnt the only one. Every other girl her age is trying that stuff, i lie about it almost every day of the week and to be honest im not a bad kid? I have depression and anxiety and ive tried to commit suicide numourouse times, my parents found out through reading my diarys + internet conversation logs and it was no help at all, just made me feel dissapointed that i'de let them down and made them sad too. I know you think of it as doing the right thing trying to talk to her and get her help and ect ect, but just give her space, i gaurentee you that the things shes doing is what everyone else is doing, if not less. Dont push her into getting help.
Anonymous commented on 21-Jun-2010 10:14 AM
Hi, person who just commented right above me. I'm a fourteen year old girl also, and I can tell you that while some do, most of the girls I know are NOT having sex, doing drugs, and trying to kill themselves. I've never felt anywhere near enough depressed to think about suicide. If you've tried to commit suicide numerous times, you should get help. I agree that the mom should give her space, but remember, this girl is twelve, not fourteen, and the mom should definitely help her. Hell, your parents should help you. This girl is not doing 'what everyone else is doing, if not less', because most of the fourteen year old girls I know are not at all thinking of suicide, much less the twelve year olds. And about the diary: if the mom hadn't found any signs that the girl was having problems and just went ahead one day and read her diary, that would be very wrong. However, this mom had already found the chat conversation saying some of the stuff and was worried and trying to help her--the girl had already also cut her wrists and been saying that she wanted to die. Since the mom knew that her daughter was having problems and was unhappy, I think that in the circumstance, its ok that she read her diary. Also, a lot of times kids leave out diaries because they want people/their parents to read them--if they're in trouble, it often means they want to be helped. If you really don't want your parents to read your diary, don't write really private stuff in it, or hide the diary really well.

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