Parenting Blog

"Say It, Mom!"

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 17:04:00 GMT

"Acknowledgment has far greater impact on a child's idea of self than praise. Praise is about what we think and what we like, acknowledgment is about the child. Acknowledgment builds confidence because it says who the child is, not just what we think." -- Sandra R. Blackard

Trish's son was drawing. "Say it, Mom!" he urged. "You're using the blue marker..." she observed. James smiled, satisfied.

Why is it so deeply satisfying for our children when we say what we see them doing?
Our child feels:

1. Truly seen.
2. Accepted, not judged.
3. The deep connection of shared attention.
4. Our full presence in that moment, with him.
5. Valued because we're attending to what matters to him.

This is a high-powered tool that builds our child's self-esteem and helps our child WANT to behave. It fosters emotional intelligence and a close parent-child relationship. And yet, how often do most of us use this tool? It's a bit like having a washing machine and ignoring it while we wash clothes by hand.

How can you get in the habit of Saying What You See? Put a stickie on your refrigerator to remind you to practice a little every day. What can you say?

"The clay is squishing through your fingers."
"You're making the bath bubbles swirl fast."
"You are so excited!"
"You want to win this game!"
"You are so disappointed."
"This isn't what you hoped for."
"You have been working and working on this."
"You are getting frustrated."
"You want to do it yourself."
"You are climbing up all by yourself."
"You like to know what's going to happen."
"You really don't like spinach and you wish you could never see it again!"
"You are jumping and jumping!"

You just say what you see, matching your child's tone. And watch your child blossom like a flower in your loving attention.

What if five minutes of play could change your life?

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 14:12:00 GMT

"I'm kind of shocked how much my son is loving the Fix game!? I don't think I've ever heard my son say, "Let's do it again!" so many times :)"

Many parents tell me they're too tired and busy to play with their kids. Mothers, especially, often see play as an onerous task.

But play is how nature designed humans, especially small humans, to learn, to ease the tensions of daily life, and to connect. True, they don't NEED to play with us. They can play with their friends, or their Dad. But playfulness is a gift in any relationship. And there are certain kinds of play that children may only be able to engage in with an adult they trust.

Kids use play to process emotions and master challenges. Over and over, they act out going to the doctor's office. They trade roles, give shots to their Teddy Bear. At least in their imaginations, they get to be the powerful one. That's an essential antidote to their daily experience of being smaller, not in charge, pushed around, dependent. Physical play that gets little ones giggling is a sign that you've hit the jackpot. Giggling releases the same pent-up stress hormones as a good safe cry in a parent's arms.

So you don't have to play with your kid. But wouldn't you rather do it the fun way than the hard way?

This doesn't mean we have to play games we can't stand. There are (to paraphrase Rumi) countless ways to kneel and kiss the ground, or to weave playful moments and episodes into our days. It certainly doesn't mean adding one more "should" to our to do list. But what a great opportunity to look at the message we're giving our child about the meaning of life and time and connection.

For those of you who don't know the "Fix" game":

Remind him you love him by playing the Fix game, every day. You play the bumbler as you chase him, hug, kiss, let him get away and repeat again and again: "I need my Michael fix....You can't get away...I have to hug you and cover you with kisses....oh, no, you got away...I'm coming after you....I just have to kiss you more and hug you more....You're too fast for me....But I'll never give up...I love you too much...I got you....Now I'll kiss your toes....Oh, no, you're too strong for me...But I will always want more Michael hugs...." Both parents can even play at the same time, and "argue" about who gets him.

This game is guaranteed to transform your child's doubt about whether he's truly loved (and any child who is "misbehaving" harbors that doubt). I know, you're busy. But what if five minutes of play could change your life?

Parenting for Emotional Intelligence Ages 7-11

Wed, 01 Sep 2010 13:29:00 GMT

"Dr. Laura, I love your examples with three year olds. I wish I had known about you when my kids were that age. So what about older kids? Who should know better by now, but maybe weren't parented so perfectly so far...?!" -- Annie

There's no such thing as a perfect parent. We're all doing the best we can with the resources we have in that moment. These examples are offered in the hope that they'll give you an additional resource in those challenging moments.

And that's why it's so important that we nurture ourselves as well as our kids. Then, when we need to dig deep, we have something inside to support us.

So, parenting for emotional intelligence, ages 7-11?

Your seven year old keeps interrupting you while you're working at home. He can't seem to play by himself. You start to snap at him, then realize that your reaction is a signal to take a deep breath and a second look. You realize he's feeling disconnected and needs some refueling from you. You tell your colleague you'll call back in an hour. You hang up and say: "You've been trying to get my attention all afternoon....I'm closing my computer and turning off my cell phone. You have my undivided attention for twenty minutes. We'll set a timer. What should we do?"

Your eight year old is walloping his little brothers every chance he gets. You set clear limits ("We don't hit") but instead of punishing him, you realize that he needs to feel more valued for who he is. "You seem out of sorts lately. I miss our special times together, since our family has gotten so busy with everyone's schedules. Let's have twenty minutes of special time for just you and me every single evening after the little ones are in bed."

Your nine year old is driving you crazy begging for permission to do something. You feel like snapping at her, but that's your signal to Stop, Drop (whatever you were doing) and Breathe.

Upon reflection, you realize that you're feeling pressured because you really can't listen right now and do justice to her request. So you say so: "I really want to hear this, but right now I have to focus on this tricky driving so we don't get lost. Can you hang onto that thought for five minutes?"

Or, you realize that your irritation is because she just keeps pushing on your limits. You consider that maybe all this pushing comes from her need to feel more independent. You remember that you can always find a win win solution. But tempers are definitely flaring, and you want to calm down before you over-react. So you defer the conversation until everyone is calmer. You empathize, and then reschedule:

"I hear you're angry I won't let you stay up later. I want to focus on our discussion, and I can't while I'm trying to get everyone out the door to school. Can we make a date to talk about this after dinner tonight?" Then, you don't forget. You show up and look for a win-win solution in good faith.

Your ten year old screams "You never understand! I hate you!" Instead of taking it personally, you realize that this isn't about you, it's about her -- her tangled up feelings, difficulty controlling herself, newly raging hormones, developing frontal cortex and immature ability to understand and express her emotions. You take a deep breath, remind yourself that your child does in fact love you but can't get in touch with it at the moment, and consciously lower your voice: “Ouch! I see how upset you are. I know you’re not usually hurtful, and we don’t treat each other that way in this house. You must be really miserable to act like this. I’m so sorry that I'm not understanding. I love you and I would do anything for you. I'm sorry you’re hurting. I’m here with a hug when you’re ready.”

Your child will be deeply grateful, even if she can't acknowledge it at the moment. Later, you can give her a hug and tell her that hurt your feelings. This isn't about rules, it's about damaging a relationship you both value.

Your eleven year old keeps coming out of her bedroom and telling you she can't sleep. You're desperate to get the laundry done so you can go to bed yourself, but you realize she's telling you she needs you. You hug her and say "This often happens with kids your age. There's a lot going on --- starting middle school, your body changing, your friendships shifting, school getting harder. Even I must seem different -- I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good parent for a kid who's growing up so fast but is still my little girl...Can I lie down with you for a bit at bedtime every night so we can chat for awhile and stay connected?"

When the 3 Year Old Hits the Baby....

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 20:03:00 GMT

This email is part of our series on Parenting for Emotional Intelligence: Real Life Examples.

"Dr. Laura....We employ the strategies you suggest to try to provide an environment where our kids feel loved, secure and listened-to. But there are times when, for whatever reason, the limits we've empathically set are not adhered to. What do we do then? How do we "enforce" without crossing the line into punishment?

For example, when my 3 year old hits me or his baby sister when I'm nursing her, I might hold his hand gently and say, 'You're upset because mama's snuggling up with Maya, and you want me to play with you right now, but we don't hit. Hitting hurts. Would you like to snuggle up and read a book with me while I finish feeding Maya?' What do I do when he scowls and hits again?" -- Molly

This is a terrific question. The short answer is, punishment is not actually an enforcement of the limits. That's our rationalization for punishing, because we're frustrated that he isn't respecting our limits. Punishment is actually retaliation, and retaliation always sabotages your relationship with your child (or anyone else.)

Here's the long answer:

When you set a limit and your child doesn't accept it, there's a reason. He's showing you as well as he can that something is so wrong inside him that he can't cooperate with you, as much as he loves you and wants to please you. (And kids who have good relationships with their parents DO want to please them.) But right now he can't. So he's sending you an SOS.

Responding with punishment tells him that you aren't hearing his SOS; that he's a naughty person who needs to be punished. (Unfortunately, kids believe everything we tell them about themselves, so that's a self-fulfilling prophecy.)

Instead of punishing:

1. Enforce the limit physically (not angrily.)

2. Address the feelings under your child's behavior as much as you can in that moment, which is how you foster emotional intelligence.

3. Make ongoing changes in your child's life to address and resolve the feelings that are triggering his behavior. This usually includes a release of his upset and strengthening his connection with you.

Molly is doing a fantastic job of staying calm in a challenging situation, and of setting the limit with empathy. Let's take it a step further to reinforce the limit when her son flaunts it, and to address the feelings under his behavior.

So, when....

Your three year old hits his baby sister as you're nursing her. You're furious, but you remember that a kid who's aggressive is a kid who's frightened. You realize he's scared you don't love him any more, and as a result he's furious at the baby. These are just feelings, and feelings pass.

You take a deep breath and say "You're upset because mama's snuggling up with Maya, and you want me to play with you right now. Hitting hurts. I won't let you hit Maya. I see how upset you are. Would you like to snuggle up and read a book with me while I finish feeding Maya? Then I can play your game with you."

Sometimes it works, especially if you empathize and try to address the need he's expressing. Other times, he scowls and hits her again. What can you do?

You enforce your limit of no hitting and you keep everyone safe. If you can, you might hold his hand, or get between your kids, or pick up either the baby or the three year old. In this case, your options are limited because you're nursing. So you stand up, still nursing, so he can't reach her. That's how you enforce your limit.

Now you let him know you hear his SOS, and you give him a tool to safely show you the depth of his feelings, and also to discharge them a little. You say "I see how much you want to hit Maya. You are feeling very bad and you want me to know. I love you very much, AND I won't let you hurt your sister. If your body needs to hit something, you can hit the chair cushion. I will watch how hard you hit so you can show me what you're feeling."

He will usually hit the chair a few times, although because it is a new situation and you are a step removed, some kids won't feel safe enough to really let loose. You encourage him by saying what you see and completely accepting his feelings: "I see you hitting the chair cushion....You are hitting the cushion hard...You are showing me how mad you feel....You feel so mad you want to hit." (Presumably, he feels your attention on him enough that it's safe for you to sit down on the couch to finish nursing now while he hits the chair.)

When he's done, you try to reconnect with him. You say "Will you come look in my eyes? I have something to tell you."

When he comes over, you put your arm around him and look him in the eye and say "Thank you for showing me how you feel. I love you so much. I want to snuggle with you now and I want to play your game with you as soon as I can. Will you please come snuggle with me and read your book while I finish feeding the baby? Then we can play your game."

Ok, so you've enforced your limit and you've tried to address the feelings under your son's behavior. But the real work here is the preventive changes in his life that will help him resolve his tangled up fear and rage. That work starts as soon as you can put the baby down so you can give your son your full attention.

Some ideas:

1. Give him a chance to discharge those angry feelings for real by pushing on a cushion with you on the other side of it. (We did this yesterday when he hit the cat, remember?)

"You're very upset. You can be as mad as you want, but people are not for hitting.....I can hold this pillow for you to push against to show me how mad you are ....You can push as hard as you want....You are pushing hard and showing me you are so mad...You are yelling at me to go away, so I will move back a little but I won't leave you alone with these scary feelings...."

Kids who lash out in anger are frightened and hurting. They don't want to feel those vulnerable feelings, so they attack. (The best defense is a good offense.) When you give them a safe place to get their anger out, their fear and sadness often bubble right up. "You're crying now...You were very angry and now you're so sad...My arms are right here to hold you....You can cry as much as you need to....Everybody needs to cry sometimes....I'm right here, Sweetie....You can get all your sads out...."

2. Strengthen your connection by spending "special" one-on-one time focused solely on him every single day while the baby naps. Let him choose what you do. Call this time by the most special name you can think of -- his name.

3. Remind him you love him by playing the Fix game, every day. You play the bumbler as you chase him, hug, kiss, let him get away and repeat again and again: "I need my Michael fix....You can't get away...I have to hug you and cover you with kisses....oh, no, you got away...I'm coming after you....I just have to kiss you more and hug you more....You're too fast for me....But I'll never give up...I love you too much...I got you....Now I'll kiss your toes....Oh, no, you're too strong for me...But I will always want more Michael hugs...." Both parents can even play at the same time, and "argue" about who gets him.

4. Read a ton of books about the little sibling. There are lots of fabulous books on the theme of an ambivalent older sibling who comes to love the new arrival. These books help older kids feel comfortable with their own tangled up feelings and reassure them they're normal. They also point out that the older child is still adored by his parents, which is a message all older sibs need to hear repeatedly. (If you want suggestions, here's a whole page of recommended books for big sibs.)

When a 3 year old throws his truck at the cat...

Fri, 27 Aug 2010 19:59:00 GMT

This post is part of our series on Parenting for Emotional Intelligence: Real Life Examples. Let's dig deep on this one because it's a great example of where punishment gets in the way of raising a responsible, emotionally intelligent child.

"What do I do when my three year old throws his truck at the cat? If I take the thrown object away and say, "The truck has to be put away now, because we can't let the kitty get hurt," my son seems to still view this as a punishment -- Mom is taking his favorite toy away and putting it somewhere high up where he can't reach it because he's little. Not to mention the frustrated/patronized look he gets on his face as soon as he sees my "I'm about to empathize with your deeper feelings instead of addressing whatever need you think you have at this moment" expression :)"

Your son thinks taking the truck away is a punishment because it's a consequence that's within your control. Even if you meant your action as a preventive limit, he'll perceive it as a punishment. So while we might quibble over terminology, if your kid perceives something as a punishment, he will react to it as a punishment.

Is moving the truck out of reach a reasonable limit? Of course. If he started throwing shoes out the window, you would move the shoes out of his reach until he calmed down. But you wouldn't just move the shoes, you would address the reason he was throwing them. And you wouldn't keep them out of reach for some arbitrary period of time, or that would be a punishment. You would give him access to his shoes as soon as he was calmed down and could resist throwing them.

This is no different. In fact, since there is only one truck and it's already across the room, you might be able to avoid putting the truck out of reach altogether, by intervening immediately to address the underlying feelings. That way you aren't even perceived as giving a punishment, which will always lead to more misbehavior. Why?

When we feel bad, we act bad.
Kids act out when they feel disconnected and hopeless. Instead of healing those feelings (which restores cooperation) punishment worsens them.

So if your kid feels punished, he feels worse and acts worse, regardless of what you were intending when you removed the truck.

Let's assume for the moment that the cat beats a hasty retreat when she sees your son coming and isn't actually getting hurt by the UFOs that fly by. In that case, and if this is the first time he seems to be aiming at her, it's probably best not to make an issue of the cat. Why? Because you want to sidestep power struggles as much as possible, and redirect rather than correct. You have to help him WANT not to throw the truck.

You say "You feel like throwing! Trucks aren't for throwing. They could hurt someone. Balls are for throwing! Let's go outside and throw balls." That way you reconnect with him, which encourages better behavior. AND he gets to throw, which he obviously had an urge to do. AND you can even start a conversation, if he's willing to have it, about whatever was upsetting him that prompted him to throw. Notice you're definitely enforcing the limit that trucks aren't for throwing. You're also addressing the underlying feelings. And if the only underlying feeling was an exuberant "What would it feel like to throw this?!" then you've resolved the issue easily.

However, let's say your son makes a habit of launching missiles at the cat, or that she was happily basking in the sun until a truck landed on her. In that case, you certainly want to prevent such occurrences in the future. This is a terrific opportunity to teach empathy. "Ouch, poor Kitty! That truck hurt! Look how scared she is. Trucks aren't for throwing. Kitty is scared right now, so let's leave her alone, but later you will want to pet her to help her trust you again. You don't want her to be scared of you." You are not only encouraging empathy by helping him see things from the cat's perspective, you're also alerting him to the damage he's done to his relationship with the cat and suggesting how he might repair it.

Should you punish him for throwing the truck at the cat? He did know it could hurt her, and he aimed right at her. But that means he's obviously upset and sending you an SOS. When kids lash out like this, they're scared and upset. If you punish him, you're missing the opportunity to help him work through those feelings, and they'll just burst out in some other misbehavior. And, as we said above, he'll feel even worse about himself, and even more disconnected from you, if you punish him.

Of course, it might be worth it if the punishment kept him from hurting the cat in the future. Unfortunately, punishment will have the opposite effect. Any kid being punished will inevitably start muttering some version of "It's all Kitty's fault...I'll show her!"

Instead, you help him safely express the emotions that incited his violence. You connect with him by getting down on his level and making eye contact. You say "You must be pretty upset to throw your truck at the cat. I know you love her and you are usually gentle with her. You must be very unhappy. Are you mad?"

What if he gives you that "patronized expression"? That's because your empathic words aren't enough for him. He feels an urgent physical need to express something, and your words fall short. Instead, help him physically express his anger.

"You're very upset. You can be as mad as you want, but toys are not for throwing.....I can hold this pillow for you to push against to show me how mad you are ....You can push as hard as you want....You are pushing hard and showing me you are so mad...You are yelling at me to go away, so I will move back a little but I won't leave you alone with these scary feelings...."

Kids who lash out in anger are frightened and hurting. They don't want to feel those vulnerable feelings (another reason for that patronized expression), so they attack. The best defense is a good offense. When you give them a safe place to get their anger out, their fear and sadness often bubble right up. "You're crying now...You were very angry and now you're so sad...My arms are right here to hold you....You can cry as much as you need to....Everybody needs to cry sometimes....I'm right here, Sweetie....You can cry all your sads out...."

See why child development is intellectually fascinating? And it's good training for lion taming, too.

Decoding Your Child's Behavior: Real Life Examples

Mon, 23 Aug 2010 17:07:00 GMT

This post is part of our series on Parenting for Emotional Intelligence: Real Life Examples.

Your 18 month old notices how perfectly that slice of bologna will fit into the cd player. Instead of shrieking and smacking her hand, you realize that this is an effort at mastery -- in fact, a brilliant one. You say "Wow, that fits! You noticed it's a circle, and it's the right size. But bologna doesn't go there, the cd goes there. See how the cd goes in? Let's feed that bologna to the cat. See how happy that makes him? Now let's find your shape sorter. Do you see any circles? Where do you think they could go?"

Your two year old is cranky and whining; you can't seem to please him. You could put him in front of the TV, which will teach him that when you're feeling off-kilter you should zone out, distract yourself, and "stuff" your feelings. Instead, you realize that two year olds build up a lot of frustration in the course of the day and sometimes they just need a safe place to let it all out (your arms!) You say: "Nothing seems to be going right for you this morning...I wonder if you just need to cry? Everybody needs to cry sometimes. Come snuggle with Daddy and you can cry as much as you want."

Your four year old always wants Mommy and won't let Daddy put him to bed. Instead of taking it personally and huffing out of the room, you realize this is a normal developmental phase. You help him work through his feelings about how much he prefers mom by playing a game where you "try" unsuccessfully to keep him away from Mommy. Get between him and his mom, and roar that you won't let him get to his mom, and then let him run right around you, or better yet, push you over. Let him be the powerful one while you bumble and protest. He'll giggle and boast and get a chance to prove he can ALWAYS have his mom. He'll also discharge all those pent up worries that make him demand her. Laughter releases stress hormones as well as tears and is a lot more fun. Then, let him choose who he wants to put him to bed. Don't be surprised if he chooses Dad. (If he doesn't, just keep repeating this game to help him work through this issue.)

Your five year old keeps looking right at you and breaking rules, like jumping on the couch. You realize that one of two things is going on. Either he's angry and taunting you as part of a larger power struggle. Or he's pushing to see where the limits are to make sure you're in charge and can keep him safe.

Should you punish him? Well, if this is a power struggle, punishment will just escalate it; the solution is to sidestep confrontations with re-direction, choices, and more autonomy for him in general. And if he's checking to see where the boundaries are, punishing him won't make him feel safer, it will just convince him you're not on his side.

So should you just give up on your limit and let him jump on the couch? That's your choice. I personally found it a great release for my kids and my couch is still fine years later. Kids do seem to need to jump, and I didn't have any good alternatives to offer them. But in that case, be explicit that you've dropped that rule so he's not confused about your laxity.

On the other hand, if you're clear that couches are not for jumping, then you need to step in to redirect him every single time he breaks the rule. Take his hand and say, "You know the rule is No Jumping on the couch. It breaks the couch. You can jump on the trampoline in the basement, or you can go outside and jump on your pogo stick, but NO jumping on the couch." If you intervene this way every single time he even thinks about jumping on the couch, he'll stop doing it.

You've told your six year old three times to go brush her teeth, but you hang up the phone and see she's still playing on the computer. Instead of yelling, you realize that your expectation wasn't age-appropriate. She needed your help. You walk over, put your hand on her shoulder, and say "Sweetie, look up at me." You wait until she tears her gaze from the computer to make eye contact and connect with you. "It's time to brush your teeth and get ready for bed. You've had three warnings. Can you turn off the computer yourself or do you want me to do it?" She begins to wheedle to just finish this one part of the game. "I'm sorry, Sweetie, I know it's hard to stop, but you can play more tomorrow. Now it's time to say Goodbye, Game. Ok, I'm turning it off. I know that makes you sad, but I was on the phone a long time and now it's almost lights out. Come, let's go upstairs. I want to make sure we have time for a story. What should we read tonight?"

Good Behavior without Timeouts

Mon, 23 Aug 2010 18:00:00 GMT

Today's post is part of our series on Parenting for Emotional Intelligence: Real Life Example

"Dr. Laura, thanks for yesterday's very helpful examples! I desperately need to know what to do with my three year old to make him behave. Now it's a power struggle every time I put him on the naughty step. Can you give some examples of what else can I do?" -- Adrienne

Three year olds can be a handful. Unfortunately, timeouts often set up a pattern of power struggles with them. Luckily, there are better ways to coax good behavior out of even the most "difficult" three year olds.

Discipline means "to guide." If it crosses the line from guidance to retaliation, that's punishment. And all punishment makes your child feel angry, which hardens his heart to you and makes him less likely to cooperate. A kid who thinks you're on his side, on the other hand, WANTS to behave, which is half the battle.

But are Timeouts punishment? Yes, absolutely. They're no different than when you were made to stand in the corner. Timeouts are a symbolic abandonment and leave your kid alone with his unmanageable feelings just when he most needs you. They make him feel like a naughty person, which means he's more likely to act like a naughty person. They don't help him to regulate his feelings or his behavior. (You didn't seriously think he was sitting on the naughty step considering how to be a better kid, did you? Like any normal human, he's reviewing why he was right and plotting revenge.)

Ok, no punishment. But how can you manage your child's behavior without punishment?

1.Give him words. What's under his bad behavior? Bad feelings! Kids act out their feelings because they don't know what else to do with them. Build emotional intelligence by helping him name -- and begin to control -- that force sweeping through him:

"You are so mad you want to bite!"
"You are crying, you really want to play longer."
"You are telling Mommy to shut up because you are so mad!"
"You are telling me you didn't eat the cookie but I see you have chocolate on your mouth; I think you are scared to tell me the truth."

2. Connect before you correct, and stay connected, even while you guide, to awaken your child’s desire to be his best self. Remember that children misbehave when they feel bad about themselves and disconnected from us.

Stoop down to her level and look her in the eye: "You are mad but no biting!"
Pick her up: "You wish you could play longer but it's time for bed."
Make loving eye contact: "You are so upset right now."
Put your hand on her shoulder: "You're scared to tell me about the cookie."

3. Set limits -- but set them with empathy. Of course you need to enforce your rules. But you can also acknowledge her perspective. When kids feel understood, they're more able to accept our limits.

"You’re very very mad and hurt, but we don’t bite. Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel."
"You wish you could play longer, but it's bedtime. I know that makes you sad."
"You don't want Mommy to say No, but the answer is No. We don't say 'Shut Up' to each other, but it's ok to be sad and mad."
"You are scared, but we always tell the truth to each other."

4. Give him what he wants through wish fulfillment. He thinks he needs to bite his brother or keep playing, but what he really needs is someone who understands and loves him, no matter what. Someone who cares about his happiness.

"Sometimes you wish your brother would just go away, even though other times you love to play with him."
"I bet when you get big you'll never stop playing, you'll play all night long, right?"
"I bet you wish you had a mom who never said No, who always said Yes, Yes, Yes!"
"I know you wish you didn't eat the cookie."

5. Help him calm down. Do a "Time-In" where you stay with your child and let him have his meltdown in your attentive presence. Your goal is to provide a calm "holding environment" for your child's storm. Expressing emotions with a safe, attentive, accepting adult is what helps kids discharge and learn to self-soothe so they can regulate their own emotions eventually.

6. Don't try to reason during the emotional storm. When we're hijacked by adrenaline and other fight or flight hormones, we can't learn. Afterwards, he'll feel so much better, and so much closer to you, that he'll be open to your guidance about why we don't say "Shut Up" (Because it hurts feelings) or lie (Because it cuts the invisible cords that connect our hearts to each other.)

7. Resist the urge to punish. You don't need to punish your child to teach a lesson. If you do, I guarantee you he will be more likely to lie, misbehave and act disrespectfully in the future. He already knows what behavior you want. Now he just needs your help to manage his emotions so he feels better -- and can act better.

I know that this may seem foreign to you if you're been relying on Timeouts, but you will see a huge improvement in your little one's behavior once you renounce punishment. You can enforce high standards, if you stay connected and set limits empathically, because your child will WANT to behave. Still wondering how to put all this into practice? There's a whole section on this website on Positive Discipline.

And for more on timeouts, here's the answer to a letter Why Timeouts are a Bad Idea, and an article What's Wrong with Timeouts and Consequences.

Examples of Parenting for Emotional Intelligence: 3 Years and Under

Mon, 23 Aug 2010 17:32:00 GMT

Dr. Laura -- You said in your daily email yesterday that "Happy parents think in terms of long-term development rather than short-term compliance. They don’t punish, even with “timeouts” or “consequences.” Instead, they encourage and guide, helping kids develop the emotional intelligence they need to make wise choices. They're committed to seeing things from their child's point of view so kids feel heard and understood. As a result, kids "own" parental limits and internalize self-discipline at an earlier age." So... how? Can you give some examples? I learn by example and would really like to put this into practice. -- Kate

It's a fair question. So today's post consists of questions I hear frequently from parents, with suggestions that foster emotional intelligence. Remember that the links with each question have many more suggestions for that age/issue, including examples of what to say to your child.

Your 8 month old wants to feed herself but she makes a huge mess. To reduce the risk of power struggles around food, eating disorders and obesity later in life, you want your baby to take charge of her own eating as soon as possible. That may well conflict with your desire for a clean kitchen, high chair, and baby. It may even conflict with an image you have of yourself as a nurturing mother bird spooning food into her chick's open mouth.

But the latest research shows that the sooner babies assume control of their eating, the healthier their attitudes toward food. That means no airplane games where you coax baby to open her mouth when she'd like to keep it shut. I'm not saying she's ready to handle her own spoon immediately, although I'd certainly let her try. I'm just suggesting that you see the time period of spoon-feeding as limited, and instead emphasize foods she can feed herself. For more on babies and solid food, click here.

Your 13 month old is becoming increasingly resistant and engaging in power struggles, for instance refusing to get into her carseat and screaming when she can't have what she wants. This is the age that takes parents by surprise. But it's completely appropriate for kids to have their own opinions, and develop a sense of their own power in the world. That's the first step towards taking responsibility for themselves, which you want to encourage.

Use your size advantage as a last resort because every time you make her "lose" you're increasing her tendency to be oppositional. Remember that it takes two to have a power struggle and your job is to avoid them. Instead, look for win/win solutions that meet both your needs. What she wants is control, so offer her palatable choices, either of which you can accept: "Do you want to climb into the carseat yourself, or do you want me to zoom you in like an airplane coming in for a landing?"

And you'll be amazed at how empathy defuses emotion, even at this age: "You are crying, you really wish you could have that, but that's not for babies." He will cry harder for a few moments (as we all do when we feel understood and the floodgates open) but then he'll be able to let it go and move on to other things. For more examples of fostering emotional intelligence with this age group, see these answers to reader's letters: 13 month old already fighting with mom, Tantrums in 13 month old.

Your two year old shows no interest in the potty. So let him wait. Fights about his body are fights you will never win. You want this to be his idea, and then it will be painless for everyone. I guarantee he will use the potty eventually; the only question is whether it happens easily and effortlessly or causes you and him grief. Your best bet is to expose him to other kids who use the potty so he wants to get in on the game. For more on potty learning, click here. And here's the answer to a letter Potty Training Struggles with Toddler who Won't Go.

Your three year old hits the baby. First of all, never leave a three year old alone with a baby. The stakes are too high. Second, set limits but refrain from punishing, which will just make him feel (and act) worse. Third, understand that introducing a baby into the family can't help but send your older child into a panic. Naturally he assumes you got a replacement because he isn't good enough.

Now's the time to step up those games that let him giggle off the stress and convince him you adore him. Every day, spend 20 minutes playing the bumbler as you chase him, hug, kiss, let him get away and repeat again and again: "I need my Michael fix....You can't get away...I have to hug you and cover you with kisses....oh, no, you got away...I'm coming after you....I just have to kiss you more and hug you more....You're too fast for me....But I'll never give up...I love you too much...I got you....Now I'll kiss your toes....Oh, no, you're too strong for me...But I will always want more MIchael hugs...."

Did you know that giggling discharges the same stress hormones as tantrumming? Kids who are stressed (and every child who has a new sibling is stressed) are so much happier and more cooperative when they have a daily chance to vent, and this game also deepens your relationship with your child.

For more on this issue, see How to Help Your Child Adjust to the New Baby and these answers to letters: Easing Sibling Rivalry with New Baby, Positive Discipline when Toddler Hits Baby, and 3 Year Old Hitting Little Sister.

The Secret of Happy Parents

Tue, 17 Aug 2010 15:14:00 GMT

Yelling and disciplining can ruin anyone’s day. Happy parents, on the other hand, may look more calm and patient, but they aren’t working at it – they’re just enjoying their children. This, of course, creates a better parent-child relationship, which produces better-behaved kids – so there’s less need to work at being patient through clenched teeth.

Happy parents spend the same amount of time parenting as other parents, but they don’t work as hard at it because they don’t need to. What are their secrets?

Perhaps the most important secret of happy parents is that they’ve actually found a way to make parenting easier. Happy parents know that from tantrums to texting, the secret of happy parenting is a close relationship with their child; their kids want to please them because they’ve built an exceptionally strong bond. Parenting effectively always depends on our connection to our kids. Without that connection, we have little influence ("My kids won't listen!") and, frankly, parenting becomes an exhausting, thankless task.
Happy parents think in terms of long-term development rather than short-term compliance. They don’t punish, even with “timeouts” or “consequences.” Instead, they encourage and guide, helping kids develop the emotional intelligence they need to make wise choices. They're committed to seeing things from their child's point of view so kids feel heard and understood. As a result, kids "own" parental limits and internalize self-discipline at an earlier age.
Happy parents have high expectations of their kids at the same time that they offer a ton of support. That means they don’t compromise about family time, respectful relating, good study habits, or other core values. That makes for happier parents and (ultimately) happier kids. At the same time, happy parents are committed to providing as much hand-holding as needed while their kids solidify their skills and habits, in whatever arena.
Happy parents know that when we feel good, we're better parents. Quite simply, we can only give what we have inside. They keep their own cups full.
Happy parents manage their own emotions so they can give their kids the best of themselves, rather than the rest of themselves. They notice when their moods veer into negativity and steer themselves back.

How do they do it? Don’t worry, they aren’t perfect. In fact, another trait shared by happy parents is that they renounce perfection. They embrace the inevitable blunders and mishaps of being human, knowing that compassion for themselves gives them the emotional equilibrium to be generous to their kids. Self-nurture is what makes it possible for them to love their kids unconditionally. They consciously “parent” themselves, as well as their kids.

Welcome to the work of parenting. Of course, that's where the rewards are, too.

Say What You See: An Easy Parenting Strategy That Really Works

Fri, 13 Aug 2010 21:11:00 GMT

"When we demonstrate love and respect, that's what we get back. Love and respect are automatic when you say what you see." -- Sandra R. Blackard

1. How can I get my kid to behave?
2. How can I build a close relationship with my child?
3. How can I insure my kid will have good self-esteem?
4. How can I increase my child's intelligence?
5. How can I teach my kids to get along with each other and solve their own problems?

Want to know a parenting strategy that works for ALL of these questions? Say what you see. As in,

"I see you're choosing to do your homework right away before you play. "
"Oooh. The water is cold on your feet!"
"You're using lots of blue that painting."
"You have been working for a long time on that."
"Wow! You pushed the button and the light came on!"
"You are crying so hard."
"You sure made Michael happy when you gave him a turn with the truck."
"Two kids want the seat. Hmm. Must be something you can do to work that out."

Why does this simple strategy work? Our child feels seen, heard, understood, recognized, empowered, valued. Positive choices are rewarded with attention. We connect. Sometimes, that's all it takes.

Nurturing Yourself while Nurturing Your Child

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 00:22:00 GMT

"Usually our ideas of self-care are something you do, child-free, to care for yourself. But what if this form of self-care isn’t possible? Self care can be as simple as taking deep breaths while you are sitting with a screaming child. Having a cup of tea while you read your child a book... I really like this idea of self-care because it doesn’t make having kids and self-care mutually exclusive. I do go out to dance classes and yoga on my own, but when I can’t or don’t, I crank the music loud at home and do a dance class." – Deborah Purcell

I'm hoping that you're finding parenting to be mostly wonderful, even if it's sometimes exasperating.

But if you're finding yourself frequently resentful, depleted or exhausted, if your mind chatter often includes negative thoughts about your child, or if you're yelling at your child on a regular basis, you may be suffering from what I call SAP Disorder -- Sacrificing yourself on the Altar of Parenthood.

That's when we forget to give ourselves the attention we need. It isn't good for us to feel deprived. And it isn't good for our kids, who end up with a resentful, negative, impatient parent.

Does that mean you should tell your kid he can forget about getting his needs met, that it's about time your needs came first? No, of course not. Parenting is about nurturing our child, which means noticing what she needs and trying to make sure she gets it.

But we can only be inspired parents to the degree that we "parent" ourselves. The solution is to tend to ourselves as well as we can each moment of the day, just as we do our child. To honor both our needs and theirs. How?

1. Make it a habit to tune into yourself as often as possible throughout your day. Just take a deep breath and let it flood your body with well-being. Breathe in calm, breathe out stress. Simply being present with yourself is an essential form of "attention" that we all need.

2. Every time you notice you're getting resentful or irritable, stop. Ask yourself "What do I need right now to stay in balance?" Then, give it to yourself -- whether your child is there or not. (Five minutes to sit on the back steps and listen to the birds? A glass of water? Five minutes of dancing to great music?) If you can't do it right now, make a date with yourself for later. (A bath after the kids go to bed. A glass of wine with your spouse. More sleep tonight.)

3. Notice the challenging times of day and find ways to nurture yourself through them. It's your life, and you're in charge, whether it feels that way or not. Letting yourself feel victimized doesn't help your kids. Does bedtime drive you crazy? Make a plan to make it better, whether that's sharing more responsibility with your spouse, starting earlier, posting a schedule, getting more sleep yourself, or enjoying a cup of tea while you read to your child.

4. Consciously parent yourself. Did you know that it's your job to be your own parent? If you're old enough to have a child yourself, your parents are off the hook. It's your responsibility now. Talk to yourself like someone you love. Nurture yourself through the hard times. Acknowledge all your efforts in the right direction. No, you're not perfect. You don't need to be. You deserve all the tenderness you would shower on a newborn baby. Giving that love to ourselves transforms our parenting -- and our lives.

5. Soak in the beauty of every moment you can. Stop rushing and revel in your child's laughter, the sweet smell of his hair, her joy in mastering something new. "Smelling the roses" replenishes your spirit. It makes life worth living. And it cures SAP disorder.

Are You Suffering from SAP* Disorder?

Fri, 13 Aug 2010 02:18:00 GMT

*Sacrificed on the Altar of Parenthood

"(Sometimes) the motivation to help others may be an extension of a deep desire to heal a wounded part of ourselves that is starving for the kind of love and attention we dole out to those around us on a daily basis. For any number of reasons, we are unable to give ourselves the love we need … This does not mean that we are not meant to be helping others, but it does mean that we would do well to turn some of that helping energy within.” – Daily Om

Being a parent means nurturing and giving to someone else 24/7. It means offering unconditional love to this sometimes exasperating little person, especially when he or she least “deserves” it. It often means putting our own needs last. We grow from this experience, stretching our hearts so more love fits in. Don’t you feel your heart is bigger now than it was before you became a parent?

But sometimes we sacrifice ourselves on the altar of parenthood in a way that isn’t good for us -- and therefore isn’t good for our kids. How do you know if you’re doing this?

1. You frequently feel resentful, depleted or exhausted.

2. You yell at your child. (Really.)

3. You notice that your mind chatter frequently includes negative thoughts about your child.

Of course, all parents sometimes feel depleted, resentful, or exhausted. But when these feelings are so frequent that you often just can’t summon up the energy to respond to your child in a positive way, it’s a sign that something is out of balance. It’s time to make a change.

I’m not suggesting you tell your kids they can live on bread and water while you head off to Paris for the weekend. I’m suggesting that there are solutions that honor both your needs and theirs.

And I’m certain that your child deserves a parent who feels and acts positively toward him or her, almost all the time.

Finding that inner inspired parent when you’ve been suffering from SAP disorder is the subject of tomorrow’s daily inspiration. Until then, you might want to just notice your inner state as you relate to your child. And give yourself a little TLC. You deserve it.

Shift Your Mood with Gratitude

Tue, 10 Aug 2010 18:03:00 GMT

“We're not grateful because we're happy.
We're happy because we're grateful.”
Brother David Stendl-Rast

Almost every wisdom tradition has a practice of gratitude. These traditions persist not only for some presumed spiritual or ethical benefit, but because they work. The heartfelt expression of gratitude lifts us out of the mind’s usual restless feeling of “not enough” into the joy of sufficiency. We open ourselves to take in the blessings that surround us.

Let's do an experiment.
Right now:
Name 10 things for which you're grateful. Feel that gratitude.
Actually do this.
At least 10.

What do you notice after doing this practice?

Research shows that you can actually shift a bad mood with an avalanche of appreciation. No matter how difficult the day, there is always something for which to be grateful.

You can even do this with your kids -- they love it! Just start naming things you're grateful for and let everyone chime in. Keep it up for five minutes, and the whole mood in your family will have shifted.

May your day be filled with gratitude.

Talk in front of their backs

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 20:32:00 GMT

“If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others.” --
Dr. Haim Ginott

Kids have antenna. Whenever you lower your voice to speak to someone else, their ears perk up. And if they hear their name, their attention is riveted.

Kids know we say things to them for effect, whether positive or negative. Their defenses go up and they may not trust our intentions. Are they being manipulated?

But when they hear us saying nice things about them to someone else, there's no filter. They assume it's true. And they live up (or down) to what they hear.

Any specific traits you want to encourage? Say nice things about how your child is developing those traits, not to him but within his hearing. Recognize any progress at all in the right direction.

"He's so determined when he works on a project. He takes a break and then keeps coming back to it."
"She's getting to be so good with her little brother. You should have seen how patient she was when...."
"You won't believe what a great reader he's becoming. He spends more and more time reading these days."
"She's a whiz with numbers."
"He's growing up and becoming so responsible. He barely needs to be reminded to..."
"She's so helpful and considerate. Why just today, she...."

Enjoy the results!

The most important thing you're teaching your child

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 21:01:00 GMT

"Whenever I held my newborn baby in my arms, I used to think that what I said and did to him could have an influence not only on him but on all whom he met, not only for a day or a month or a year, but for all eternity - a very challenging and exciting thought for a mother." -- Rose Kennedy

Most parents take their job as teachers very seriously. We teach our kids colors. ABCs. Sharing. Right from wrong.

But sometimes we don't even notice a much more important lesson we're imparting to our children: how to manage themselves and their feelings. This is the basis of emotional intelligence (EQ), which will determine their quality of life much more fundamentally than their IQ.

Kids learn how to manage "big feelings" when we stay calm in the face of their upset, and "love" them back into emotional equilibrium. Research shows their brains learn to self soothe through this process. Eventually, they learn to stabilize themselves even in the face of stressful situations and emotions.

That's the unconditional love that we all know every child needs. When we love them even while they're raging, or needy, or demanding. When we see past the bad behavior to the overwhelmed child who's acting out. When we love them, difficult feelings and all, instead of sending them away until they can "act right." When we love first, and then wait until they're calm and can actually learn before we talk about appropriate behavior.

Research shows that kids who receive this unconditional love when they're upset learn to manage their emotions earlier than other kids. They're closer to their parents through the teen years and beyond. They're more skilled at calming themselves, and handle stress better, both as kids and as adults. Unconditional love creates higher EQ.

The Fool-proof Way to Get Your Kids Cooperating

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 20:58:00 GMT

"When children feel their needs really matter to their parents, they can meet their parents with cooperation." -- Sura Hart

When kids think they have to fight to get their needs met, everything becomes a fight. When kids feel powerless to convince us their needs are legitimate, they whine.

The foolproof way to get kids cooperating is to partner with them so everyone's needs get met. "You want to go to the playground. I need to run some errands and get us home in time for the baby's nap. If you get dressed quickly so we can get going, and help me with the errands, we should have time to stop at the playground for forty minutes on our way home. Win-win! Ok?" Before you know it, your kids will be bringing you solutions that meet both your needs and theirs.

Of course, not all wants are needs. But when we meet kids' deeper needs to be seen, appreciated, and connected, they're happier and more cooperative, so we can better distinguish their needs from the fleeting desires they think will make them happy.

"You want to go to the playground. Today I need to grocery shop and get us home in time for the baby's nap, so there's no time for the playground. I know that's disappointing. Do you think during the baby's nap you and I can spend some special time together playing that new game? And having your help while we shop would get us home faster. You're the best at keeping the baby happy while we shop!"

Win-win sure beats whining and fighting. As my son used to say as a preschooler: "We're all happy now!"

Are You a Gardener or a Sculptor?

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 20:56:00 GMT

"Try to see your child as a seed that came in a packet without a label. Your job is to provide the right environment and nutrients. You can’t decide what kind of flower you’ll get or in which season it will bloom."
-- Anonymous

Are there things about your child that drive you crazy? Often we think we our job is to "stamp out" those traits and mold the perfect child. But humans can't pare away our weaknesses, because they're the flip side of our strengths. That's who we ARE.

If she has trouble controlling her anger when her brother disrespects her, is she an equally passionate fighter against other injustices? Is his dawdling a sign of immense imagination -- like Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes, is he secretly Spaceman Spiff? Will her emphasis on socializing shape the perfect talk-show host? Will his stubbornness help him succeed at a difficult task against all odds?

We can't sculpt our kids. All we can really do is give them nurturing conditions in which to grow into who they are, and teach them to manage their weaknesses so their strengths can blossom.

Instead of making her feel bad about herself, Reframe: This "weakness" is of great value if she can learn to manage it. How can you help her do that?

How to Stay Calm? The Same Way You Get to Carnegie Hall

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 20:16:00 GMT

"The main difference between a master and a beginner is that the master practices more." -- Yasha Heifetz, Master Violinist

You've probably noticed that things work better with your kids when you're in a good mood. At least half of the time when we get irritated, annoyed, impatient, or frustrated at our kids, it's because we're already feeling unhappy. Then there's a spark, our bad mood flares, and before we know it we're in the middle of a firestorm.

The other half of the time our anger is "justified" in the sense that our kids may well act in ways that trigger us. But that's only true if we see ourselves in opposition to our child. The truth is, we're on the same side. Our job is to nurture and guide, theirs is to grow and learn. We're not really raising children -- we're raising adults. If we can take that long view, we're more likely to remember that when our kids trigger us, we have an opportunity to teach them many things.

Like how to regulate themselves emotionally.

Guess how they learn that? From us. Kids don't have the neural pathways to calm their own turbulent feelings. Everything seems like an emergency to them. But when we stay calm in the face of their upsets, they calm down too -- and their bodies learn from that experience how to calm their stormy emotions. That's how those neural pathways develop.

So our child is counting on us to de-escalate the situation, because he can't. If we can see things from his perspective, and stay calm, he'll learn emotional self-regulation that will last for the rest of his life.

That's the trick, of course. Most of us are still working on the "staying calm" part. Welcome to humanity.

But there’s really no magic in staying centered. It’s just practice.
So each and every time you find yourself yelling, just stop. In mid-sentence, if you have to.
Pick yourself up.
And any pieces you may have broken around you
...and start again.

Embrace yourself with love.
That’s always the place to start.
Then go hug your kids.

Right now, soak in your own love, self-acceptance, forgiveness, adoration.
You are more than enough, just the way you are.
This is what they mean by putting on your own oxygen mask first.
How can you stay calm?
The same way you get to Carnegie Hall --
Practice, Practice, Practice.
Breathe...

What to do when your kid talks back

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 16:23:00 GMT

"The art of mothering is to teach the art of living to children." -- Elaine Heffner

Should you strategically ignore mouthy behavior, from a toddler or a tween? Never. But that doesn't mean you "crack down" with discipline, either, because that erodes your relationship with your child and makes disrespectful behavior even more likely.

What's effective is to always keep the connection with the child at the same time that you calmly and kindly re-establish the standard for respect. Here's the three step strategy.

1. Monitor your own language and model respect and kindness in every interaction with your child. If you find yourself criticizing or yelling, bite your tongue. If you need to set limits, wait until you can speak calmly and respectfully.

2. Strengthen your relationship with your child by looking for every opportunity to positively connect. Kids think twice about hurting the feelings of parents they feel connected to. Be sure you spend at least 15 minutes alone with each child every day, giving him your focused, positive attention.

3. If your child speaks hurtfully to you, calmly confront the behavior and re-set a clear expectation for respectful behavior while staying connected to your child: "Wow, your tone of voice hurts. You must be very upset to speak to me that way. That's not like you. You know I don't speak to you in that tone. Want to tell me what's upsetting you?" Or, if you know already, "I'm hearing that you're very angry at me right now. I hear how much you wish I would say yes to what you're wanting. Let's talk about this when we're both more calm."

Notice that we're teaching kids how to be in relationship with another person. If we ignore their disrespect, we do them no favors. If we react disrespectfully to their rudeness, we perpetuate the behavior. The secret? They learn their behavior from us.

Do You Want to Be Happier?

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 20:21:00 GMT

"For people who won the lottery -- and a lot people think that's the golden ticket to happiness -- within a year of winning the lottery, they've returned to their original happiness set-point level. Shockingly, the same was also true of people who became paraplegic. Even when bad things happen, within a year they had returned to their original happiness set-point. The really important thing is our happiness set-point. That set-point is 50% genetic, so you're born with that. It's only 10% based on your circumstances, and the other 40%, which is the part we can really do something about, is based on our habits of thought and behavior. Just like you can raise the thermostat at home to get warm on a cold day, you can actually raise your happiness set-point to become happier, and you don't have to become thinner, richer, or smarter to do it." -- Marci Shimoff

Did you know that we all have a happiness set-point, and no matter what happens to us, we tend to hover around the same happiness level for our whole adult lives?

But we can change our set point. Research shows that we can develop constructive habits that create happiness: managing our moods, positive self-talk, finding joy in daily details, practicing gratitude, cultivating optimism, connecting with others. Note that most of this is about managing our thoughts and attitudes. Since all emotion is stimulated by our thoughts, we can change how we feel just by changing our thoughts.

Sound hard? No harder than playing the piano. Like any other skill, it takes daily practice. In the beginning, you'll have to work hard to get anything that sounds like music, but in a year, you won't believe how much happier you are. So why not start being happier right now?

1. Smile! Smiling makes us happier, even when we force it. The feedback from our facial muscles informs us that we’re happy, and immediately improves our mood. Not to mention the moods of those around us, and that feedback loop uplifts everyone.

2. Find a positive thought and focus on it. It won't make "unhappy" things go away, but it will increase your sense of well-being -- and therefore your ability to deal with difficulties more resourcefully. Whenever you notice you're in a bad mood, offer yourself some tenderness and wallow in the sadness or other feelings for a few minutes -- really let yourself feel them. Then, consciously move on. Take a deep breath, remind yourself that you can always revisit these feelings later, and find something positive to look forward to.

3. Count your blessings. Research shows that people who make a habit of cultivating gratitude raise their happiness set-point. One easy way is to come up with at least three things you're grateful for every night before you go to sleep and every morning before you get out of bed. But you can use gratitude to change your mood all day long. Instead of "These kids are driving me crazy with all their noise!" how about "I'm so glad my kids are healthy and exuberant. Now, how can I help them find a good outlet for all that energy?"

4. Get your energy going. Nothing lifts my mood like a pillow fight with my kids. Or you could try an impromptu game where you try to take off each others' socks. Any physical activity gets your endorphins going and improves your mood. If it includes a nice connection with other people, it's even more effective.

5. Laugh. The old saying that laughter is the best medicine turns out to be true. The more we laugh, the happier we are! So the next time you and your child want to shake off the doldrums, how about a Marx brothers movie marathon?

Want more ideas on how to reset your happiness set point? Want to help your child get happier too? (Happier kids make for happier parents!) Check out my article Teaching Your Child the Art of Happiness.

They believe everything you say

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 21:44:00 GMT

"Amazing how a negative message -- even if it's unintentional -- can inflict a sharp stab to the soul and break down a child's spirit." -- Joanne Stern

Children rely on us to interpret the world: "That's soft....HOT, Don't touch!...Say Thank You.... Now let's wash our hands... We always... We never.... This is how we do it.....The sky is blue...."

What happens when they hear: "You'd lose your head if it wasn't glued on.....That was a dumb thing to do....I'm so sick of your ....Can't you....You never....You always.....You make me want to scream!...I can't stand how you...."?

What happens when they overhear: "He's not good at that....He was so awful today.....He's never been much of a student....He and his sister just don't get along....You won't believe the day I've had with that kid....He's so irresponsible....He never does his chores without me hounding him.....He's always like that....."

They believe it.

Even if they don't show it, even if they act like they don't care, on some level our kids believe everything we say. But with a little attention, you can use this to help your child. Here's how.

1. Let him overhear you saying something positive about him to someone else. He may not take it in when you say it to him, but when he overhears you saying it to someone else, he believes it.

2. Stay in the moment. If you're offering your child guidance about something, stick to what's happening right now. "You always forget to ..." programs him to keep forgetting. Just focus on how he can remember this time, and he'll start to see that he's a kid who remembers, more and more often.

3. Help your child see herself. Research shows that kids' beliefs determine their behavior. When you observe something positive about your child, tell her what you see: "I notice you just keep plugging away at that... I notice you got frustrated but then you came back and tried again....I see you read that whole book yourself!...I've noticed that you are remembering to brush your teeth without being reminded most of the time now."

How to Help Your Child with Anger

Thu, 22 Jul 2010 14:44:00 GMT

All kids -- like all humans -- get angry. Anger is a defense against deeper feelings of fear, hurt, disappointment, and pain. When those feelings are too devastating, we automatically move into anger to keep ourselves from feeling so much pain. We mobilize against the perceived threat by attacking. (The best defense is a good offense.)

Sometimes attacking makes sense, but only when there is actually a threat. That's rare. Most of the time when kids get angry, they want to attack their little brother (who broke their treasured memento), their parents (who disciplined them "unfairly"), their teacher (who embarrassed them) or the playground bully (who scared them.)

When kids live in a home where anger is handled in a healthy way, they generally learn to manage their anger constructively. That means:

* Controlling aggressive impulses - By the time they're in kindergarten, kids should be able to tolerate the flush of adrenaline and other "fight" chemicals in the body without acting on them by clobbering someone. As we accept our child's anger and remain calm, she lays down the neural pathways -- and learns the emotional skills -- to calm down without hurting herself, others, or property.

* Acknowledging the more threatening feelings under the anger - Once the child can let himself experience his grief over the broken treasure, his hurt that his mother was unfair, his shame when he didn't know the answer in class, or his fear when his classmate threatened him, he can move on. He no longer needs his anger to defend against these feelings, so the anger evaporates.

* Constructive Problem-Solving - The goal is for your child to use the anger as an impetus to change things as necessary so the situation won't be repeated. This may include moving his treasures out of little brother's reach, or getting parental help to deal with the bully. It may also include acknowledging his own contribution to the problem, so that he resolves to do a better job following his parents' rules, or to come to class more prepared.

Obviously, it takes years of parental guidance for kids to learn these skills. By the time kids are in kindergarten, though, they should have developed the neural pathways to calm themselves so that they can control their aggressive impulses even when they're very upset. If parents are able to help kids feel safe enough to express their anger and explore the feelings underneath, kids are able to increasingly move past their anger into constructive problem-solving during the grade-school years.

How can parents help kids learn to manage their anger?

1. Remember that all feelings are allowed. Only actions need to be limited.

2. Never send a child away to "calm down" by herself. Remember that kids need your love most when they "deserve it least."

3. Stay close and connected when your child is upset. If you know what's going on, acknowledge it: "You are so angry that your tower fell." If you don't know, say what you see: "You are crying now."

Give explicit permission: "It's ok, everyone needs to cry (or gets mad, or feels very sad) sometimes. I will stay right here while you get all your sads and mads out." If you can touch him, do so soothingly: "Here's my hand on your back, loving you." If he yells at you to go away, say: "You want me to go away. I will step back like this. But I am right here. I won't leave you alone with these big scary feelings."

4. . Stay calm. Kids learn from you that anger and other upsetting feelings are not so scary as they seem -- after all, Mom isn't scared of them. That's how they learn to soothe themselves.

If you are in the habit of yelling at your kids, know that you are modeling behavior that your child will adopt by the time she's a teen, if not well before. It is possible to stop yelling. Really. I've seen many parents do it. If you want help to stop yelling, you might want to listen to my MP3, "How to Stop Yelling at Your Child."

I'll also be doing a live audio workshop in September to support parents who want to stop yelling. If you want to be notified about that workshop, please drop me a note.

5. Help your child develop emotional intelligence. Kids who are comfortable with their feelings manage their anger constructively. There's a whole section on this website on emotional intelligence.

The good news? Just by paying attention to your parenting, you're giving your child tools you weren't given when you were growing up. You came out ok. Your child will be even better off. Feels good, doesn't it?

Your Magic Wand for a Peaceful Home

Wed, 21 Jul 2010 17:47:00 GMT

“There's nothing tiny or insignificant. Everything is significant... Whether you are looking at world events or something that's happening in your kitchen, there's potential for connection or disconnection in either case. And it is really only the connection or the disconnection that is of any importance.” -- Abraham-Hicks

How is your week going?
Have you had a moment of connection with your child that made your heart melt?

You need that kind of moment every day, to be an inspired parent. Why? Because parenting is hard, and those moments of love are what see us through. Because our kids feel those moments too -- that's when our love really sinks into their souls. (As you know, when kids are convinced they're lovable, they act lovable.)

What if you could create that deep loving connection as your (almost) constant way of being with your child? It would be like giving yourself a magic wand. There would be no more yelling in your home. Some heart-felt tears, maybe. Lots of hugging, smiling, laughing, fun.

How?

1. Hold that picture of your loving home in your mind right now, for a full 60 seconds. Watch it like a movie. How are you feeling and acting? How are your kids responding? Let that heart-melting, connected feeling soak in.

2. Every time you feel disconnected from your child today, show yourself that picture and feel that feeling again . Don't act until you've re-centered yourself in your love. (Sounds hard? Keep practicing. It gets a lot easier.) Remember, every action is significant.

3. Spend 15 minutes with each child today with no agenda and no distractions. Just connect to your child with all your heart.

Tomorrow: Repeat. You'll be amazed at the transformation in your home within a week.

How to Get Your Kid Laughing Instead of Crying

Wed, 21 Jul 2010 02:58:00 GMT

"Our bright, energetic, connected boys often have a lot of feelings to get out every day. We began a game called "Escape," almost by accident, when the boys were under 3. We hold them and cackle, 'I won't let you go until all those feelings come out.....you can try to escape, but you won't....ha. ha. ha.!' They squirm and wriggle and arch and push and slither and I hold them tight. They laugh and yell and LOVE it. The game ends with them cuddling up for a chat or escaping -- which is always followed by crawling back on our laps for cuddles or another round of Escape. They now ask for Escape when they have a lot of feelings inside that they can't express. This activity can turn an ugly day right around!" -- Lawrence Cohen

Kids build up all kinds of feelings in the course of a day. Little things we don't even notice evoke big feelings for them. The disappointment when you say no, the frustration of learning to use a scissors, the jealousy when you smile at her brother, the fear of a barking dog, the sense of insignificance when you send just one more important text while she's talking, the powerlessness when she can't reach the light switch in the dark room, the panic when she calls and you don't answer immediately.... Throughout the course of your child's day, every stressful experience builds up cortisol, adrenalin, ACTH, and other stress hormones.

These stress hormones make kids more cranky and tense. (They're the same ones that soar in your own body in a challenging traffic situation.) They prevent kids from falling asleep easily. They keep kids on edge, so the slightest additional challenge triggers a tantrum.

Tantrums are nature's way of helping kids let all these feelings out. Emotional tears contain ACTH, adrenaline and other stress-related chemicals. But this only works when kids feel safe while crying -- usually they need to be in your arms or hear your soothing voice. Kids left to cry it out alone end up with higher levels of stress hormones in their bloodstreams.

So does your kid need to cry a little every day, in your arms? Babies probably do. Luckily, most kids don't. Like adults, kids can use laughter just as well as tears to discharge tension and built-up anxieties.

Laughter reduces the levels of stress hormones in our bodies. Laughter also increases beneficial hormones like endorphins and oxytocin (the happiness hormones), as well as immune system stimulants. And, as you've no doubt noticed, shared laughter creates a sense of closeness.

Can you make it a goal to share deep laughter with your child every day? Luckily, there are countless strategies -- all of which you'll enjoy. Some of my personal favorites:

1. Start a family pillow fight. Works great with all ages.

2. Start a family water fight. Make sure everyone feels safe (so no hose spraying in the face) and that it's a fair fight.

3. Have a competition to take off each other's socks.

4. Crazy animal sounds, silly rhymes, funny faces.

5. Play a game of Escape (detailed in the quote above.)

If you have other favorite ideas, pleasedrop me an email and let me know. I'll include them on my website.

What to say when you talk to yourself

Fri, 16 Jul 2010 19:42:00 GMT

"Your success or failure in anything, large or small, will depend on your programming, what you accept from others and what you say when you talk to yourself...It makes no difference whether you believe it or not. The brain simply believes what you tell it most." -- Richard Helmstetter, Ph.D.

“It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.” -- Tom Robbins

Every day you have thousands of thoughts. Researchers say that for the average person, 2/3 of those thoughts are negative:
“Not again!....I knew this wouldn’t work... I am so clumsy.... That was a dumb thing to do... Two steps forward, one step back...Can’t you do anything right?...You certainly screwed that up...We’ll never make it in time...I just can’t do this...I should do that...I wish I could do that....I'm such an idiot...”

Self-talk is powerful. Our subconscious mind believes these comments, and we act accordingly. Luckily, we can all retrain ourselves. Imagine if you had the perfect parent in your head, nurturing you through your day:

“Good try...Wouldn’t it be nice if this worked out?...It’s ok, don’t worry....You don’t have to be perfect...Nobody bats 1000....I love you just the way you are...Practice makes perfect...Just breathe....Don’t take it personally....You’re a good person and that’s what matters....It’s never too late to make things better....Every journey starts with the first step....You’re a hero for everything you do....Two steps forward, one step back still takes you to where you’re headed... I think I can...Sooner or later this will work out...You are more than enough!”

Each of us deserves a cheerleader to help us over life’s many hurdles. Who says we can’t be our own? In fact, who better? Research shows that happy people give themselves ongoing reassurance, acknowledgment, praise and pep talks.

The minute you notice yourself saying anything negative, reframe it:

"I blew it!" becomes "Nobody's perfect."
"I'm so stupid." becomes "Let's pay attention and try that again."
"I can't get through to that child!" becomes "The more I listen to her and connect, the more she listens to me."
"I'm just not good at that" becomes "Practice makes perfect."
"I wish I had more time!" becomes "I make time and I take time for what I need to do."
"This is impossible!" becomes "The impossible just takes a little longer. What do I need to do to make this happen?"

Just come to your defense as your perfect parent would. Really soak in that terrific parenting. You deserve it. And notice how that self-nurturing rubs off on your kids.

A Simple Way To Feel Better Fast

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 22:55:00 GMT

“Practice being grateful for what you have, rather than focusing on what's missing. Look at what's working in your life rather than what's not working. Practice being grateful for the small, wonderful things that happen to you every day, and this will automatically shift your attention from problems to joy, from stress to inner peace.” -- Jan Marie Dorr

Research shows that the practice of gratitude makes people happier. The simple act of letting ourselves feel grateful stills our inner critic and floods us with love.

Starting now, why not take every opportunity to acknowledge and appreciate others, especially your own child?

The sparkle in the eyes of a friend that lights up your heart...
The touch of a loved one that nourishes your spirit...
But also the farmer who grew the food that you eat.
At this very moment you are surrounded by angels.
A pediatrician is a phone call away to help you keep your child healthy
Teachers, babysitters, extended family all love and guide your child
There is always help available.
Even during hard times there is always so much to be grateful for
Most of the time, we take this for granted.

But today, let’s express our love and gratitude for all that we are given
Including, of course, your own child.
Growing, developing, becoming a person who will bless the earth with his or her presence.

Start right now.
Take a few minutes and silently acknowledge to yourself some of the people whose contributions to your life you especially appreciate.
Make sure you spend a minute listing all the things you love about your child.

Getting Past No

Tue, 13 Jul 2010 16:35:00 GMT

"2 year-olds argue with their parents 20 to 25 times an hour." -- Child Development

Between 12 and 15 months, we learn a wonderful word: "No!"
It's an ecstatic discovery.
We learn we are separate, autonomous beings with a will of our own who can impact what happens in the world.
We delight in saying, "No!" at every opportunity.
Our "No" is actually a big "YES!."
It's an awesome, pure expression of our life force.

After the first cute "No" or two, our parents are usually less than delighted. In fact, this developmental stage launches what's often called the "terrible twos."

Rarely are our ecstatic expressions of primal life force affirmed. Do you remember your father or mother saying:
"Oh, thank you for expressing your No so passionately!"
"I so appreciate your affirming your autonomy so directly!"

More common messages are along the lines of:
"Do what I tell you!"
"Don't you dare talk back!"
There may the threat—or the reality—of punishment or physical force. There is almost always the withdrawal of love, as parents walk away when little ones tantrum.

Being powerless and utterly dependent, we soon learn to hide our No's. We begin to resort to whining, passive resistance, manipulation, or very often, actual denial of our needs.

So when our little one falls in love with the word NO! alarm bells start ringing for us. We think we MUST teach him who's in charge, right away.

But this isn't about who is in charge. Your child knows you're in charge. This is about your child's right to his feelings, even while you honor your responsibility to keep him safe and healthy.

Can you say "No" in a way that honors your own truth, while still staying in positive contact with your child? Your "No" doesn't need to be a bludgeon— simply a strong statement of your position in a duet dance of negotiation. Here's how:

1. Don't take it personally. This isn't about you or your rules.

2. Remember that this is a positive developmental stage that is giving your child the ability to stand up for his own truth later in life.

3. Sidestep the NO! by giving your child a choice. He says NO! to a bath? Ask him if he wants to fly up the stairs or dance up.

4. Sidestep the NO! by making your request into a game. "Climb on my back, Cowboy, we're headed for the bathtub in the hills!"

5. Sidestep the NO! by honoring his autonomy without giving up your request. "NO Bath right now? Ok, Sweetie. But when you're ready, you can look at the plastic containers in the kitchen and be in charge of which ones you want to play with in the tub." You won't be able to restrain him from the bath.

6. Use reverse psychology. "Whatever you do, DON"T get in the bathtub. NO, NO, NO, don't turn on the water!! NO, NO, NO, don't take off your clothes!!"

7. Remember that you can always find a way to meet both your needs. If you keep your sense of humor, and honor both your own NO and your child's, you can always find a way to get past the word NO -- to the YES! energy right behind it.

(Special thanks to Robert Gass, who inspired today's message.)

What about those days when he's hell-bent on misbehaving?

Wed, 21 Jul 2010 03:03:00 GMT

"In contrast to their enthusiastic, loving nature, all children (like all adults) experience times when they aren’t themselves. They lose their sunny attitude, their ability to make each day a good one... They can’t listen or respond thoughtfully to the situation around them. Their behavior goes off track, and they begin to do things that don’t work, things that isolate them from other people...Every effort to guide them sends them further off track...When our children are unreasonable, they are asking for our help. They need us to set limits for them. They also need to know that we care about them. It’s our caring that puts them back on track again." -- Patty Wipfler

When your child is acting like a little demon, it's your cue to step in. He's signaling that he needs you to hold him -- figuratively and literally. He needs your help to work through some "messy" pent-up emotions. He needs to reconnect with you, and with his own sense of well-being. And he'll keep acting out until you help him.

If you punish him for misbehaving, you're not helping him learn to manage the emotions that are fueling his misbehavior. Even "mild" punishments like timeouts isolate him and disconnect him from us just when he needs us most. But that doesn't mean you don't set limits as necessary. In fact, a limit -- set empathically so he feels safe -- may be just what he needs to trigger a release of his upset feelings. Crying in the safety of your loving presence restores your child to a state of well-being and connection. Once he feels good again, he'll "act good" -- because our kids naturally want to connect happily with the adults they love.

How do you set limits that help your child?

1. Be kind but firm: "We don't hit....It's time for bed.....Toys are not for throwing....It's time to leave the playground." Usually, you'll need to intervene physically to enforce the limit because kids in an upset state can't control themselves. Your child needs to know it's a firm limit. If she senses you waffling, she'll keep fighting to change the limit rather than grieving and moving on.

2. Empathize: "I know that makes you sad and mad.....You wish you could have the candy now....You don't want to stop playing." Feeling understood defuses the angry energy and puts your child in touch with the more threatening feelings that always hide behind anger -- sadness, hurt, fear, disappointment, powerlessness. If you set the limit harshly, your child stays in anger and can't get to those underlying feelings he needs to discharge.

3. If your child begins to rage or cry, stay close. You've given your child a tremendous gift: access to the feelings that were making him act out. You may think he's over-reacting, but who knows what hurts he has stored up that he needs to get off his chest? It's your loving, attentive presence that allows him to feel all these scary feelings and let them go. Hold him if you can, but if he struggles, just stay close. Be his witness. Reassure him that it's ok: "I love you...I see how sad and mad you are...so much hurting...it's ok to feel mad and sad...everybody feels upset sometimes....it's good to get all your angries and sads out...I'm right here....I won't leave you alone with these scary feelings....Cry as much as you need to....When you're ready, I will hold you."

4. Reconnect. After kids have a meltdown, they're ready to reconnect with you. Don't insist they talk about their emotions. They probably don't know why there were so upset, and feeling analyzed will make them feel less safe about trusting you with their inner lives. Just scoop them up, hug them, reassure them that everyone needs to cry sometimes and that you love them no matter what.

Should you always set limits? No. First be sure that what you're asking is age-appropriate. You can't ask a two year old to sit quietly in a restaurant in the name of setting limits. Second, be sure you're not creating the situation with your own impatience. Kids are acutely sensitive to disconnections from us and always respond by acting out; in those cases a big hug will restore everyone's sanity. Third, offer help. Sometimes your child can pull himself together if you just offer assistance with whatever's frustrating him.

But if he seems hellbent on trouble, he's asking for your help. Give him the heaven of your loving attention, and you'll get your little angel back.

7 Steps to Manage Yourself When Your Kid Melts Down

Thu, 08 Jul 2010 17:24:00 GMT

"I'm struggling with my own inability to be present and show empathy to my young children when they are having meltdowns. I want to be able to do this. I know this is the right thing to do. But when the meltdowns start, something in me shifts and all my good intentions fly out the window and I just want to get away from them. I'm not sure how to change this behaviour because it seems so deep-rooted in me."

Who hasn't had a hard time with this? I know that when my child starts to lose it, something in me wants to scream "No!"

No, I don't have time for this right now!
No, you're embarrassing me, people are looking!
No, why can't she be reasonable?
No, we've been through this, not again!
No, she is so self-centered, I need to teach her a lesson!
No, what am I doing wrong that she's tantrumming again?
No, I know this is my fault, I should have... I shouldn't have...!
No, why is she doing this to me?!
No, why can't you just suck it up the way I do?

Bingo. If I had acted like that as a child, I would have had it knocked out of me -- probably physically, but at least with the threat of abandonment. Like most kids in my generation, I learned to stuff my feelings. I learned they were dangerous.

I was lucky enough to have some excellent therapy and a meditation practice before I had kids. That helped me to notice my own thoughts and feelings, and train myself to tolerate my child's. But most of us enter parenting without that head start.

So when our child has a meltdown, the little one inside of us gets triggered. Danger signs flash. As always when danger looms, we feel a sense of panic. We just want to get away (that's flight) or we feel a sudden rage -- we want to MAKE him shut up (that's fight) or we go numb (that's freeze).

Holding him with empathy, allowing him to let all those feelings out? Witnessing his anger without taking it personally? That's a stretch for most parents, maybe an impossible one. All of our good intentions fly out the window.

And yet every child has numerous experiences of fear, anger, frustration and sadness that need to be expressed and accepted. That's a foundation of emotional intelligence, which allows kids to learn to manage their emotions.

So what can we do to address our own deep-rooted feelings, so we can be there for our kids?

1. Acknowledge your own feelings. Our panic in the face of our child's raw emotions is an issue from our own childhoods. The only way to uproot it is to see how it served us when we were little. Say to your rising panic: "Thanks for keeping me safe when I was little. I'm grown now. All these feelings are ok. I can handle this."

2. Remind yourself that it isn't an emergency. This isn't a threat; it's your beloved child, who needs your love right now. Whatever happens, you can handle it. If your mind persists in setting off alarms, tell it you'll deal with those concerns later, not now.

3. Remind yourself that this is a good thing. We know your child will feel these feelings, no matter what. The only question is whether you make it ok for him to express them, or whether you teach him they're dangerous. (Just in case you're wondering, it's the emotions we repress that pop out without warning and get us into trouble.) Even if you can't say a whole-hearted YES! when your child starts to melt down, try to move from your automatic NO! to a warm-hearted OK, just the way you do at other times when your child needs you.

4. Take the pressure off. You don't have to fix your child or the situation. All you have to do is stay present. Your child doesn't even need the red cup, or whatever he's crying for, he needs your loving acceptance of him, complete with all his tangled up feelings. His disappointment, rage, grief? They're all ok, and they will all pass without you doing a thing.

5. Take a deep breath and choose love. Every choice we make, at core, is a move towards either love or fear. Let your caring for your child give you the courage to choose love. Not just love for your child, but love for the child you once were, and the parent you are now. Just keep breathing, and saying to yourself "I choose love." (Too corny? Research shows this works. But you can easily find another effective mantra: "She's acting like a kid because she IS a kid....This too shall pass....I came out ok and she will too." Whatever works for you.)

6. Keep it simple. Your child needs you to witness her outpouring of emotion and let her know that she is still a good person, despite all these yucky feelings. So she needs your reassurance and permission. Explanations, negotiations, remorse, recriminations, analysis of why she's so upset, or attempts to "comfort" her ("There, there, you don't have to cry, that's enough") will all shut down this natural emotive process. You don't have to say much. Your calm, loving tone is what matters. Maybe:

You are so upset.
Go ahead and cry.
That's ok. Everybody needs to cry sometimes.
I hear how mad and sad you are.
I will stay right here while you get all those mad and sad feelings out.
You're telling me to go away, so I will move back a little bit, but I won't leave you alone with these scary feelings.
When you're ready, I am right here to hug you.

7. Find a good listener so that you can talk about your feelings. Nothing triggers primal emotions like parenting. You also need to vent, which means you need someone to listen. Someone who will resist giving you advice. Someone who won't be shocked when you admit that you wanted to slam your kid against the wall or leave him there in the grocery store, because they know everyone has felt this way, and you wouldn't actually do it. Someone who won't get triggered and go into a panic about whether it's ok for you, or your child, to feel such things. Someone who will let you cry, who will be there for you just as you're there for your child.

This is hard work for parents, but a great gift to our children. The good news is that once we say YES to children's full range of feelings, they learn to manage them in healthy ways. In fact, you'll see positive results immediately after every "tantrum" that you meet with love, because your child will feel so much better for the rest of the day. That's unconditional love in action.

What to Say Instead of Praising

Thu, 08 Jul 2010 17:21:00 GMT

"What kids do need is unconditional support, love with no strings attached. That’s not just different from praise – it’s the opposite of praise. "Good job!" is conditional. It means we’re offering attention and acknowledgment and approval for jumping through our hoops, for doing things that please us." -- Alfie Kohn

If you've heard praise isn't good for kids, you may be wondering how else you can give your kid positive feedback. After all, you know you need at least 7 positive interactions for every negative interaction to maintain a good relationship. While hugs and smiles go a long way, you're in constant verbal interaction with your child, and your most common word is probably "Good!" Besides, there are things you'd like him to learn about how to be in the world. How else can you guide him?

The short answer is that our children need to be seen and loved, no matter what. The evaluation inherent is praise is what's problematic.

But that doesn't mean you can't find positive ways to interact with your child, hopefully many of them, all day long. And it doesn't mean you can't help him notice the effect of his choices. Here are some examples.

Instead of:
"Good sharing!"
Try:
"Wow! Look how happy you made your brother."

(Why? We all want to guide our child, and that does involve value judgments on our part. But instead of just explaining things as good and bad, take the time to help your child see his power in the world. Why does it matter what he does? Rather than telling him that he's good when he acts in accordance with a value that's important to you, point out the result. That way he can decide whether to repeat the behavior to get that result -- rather than just to get your praise.)

Instead of:
"Yes, that's a good painting!"
Try:
"I saw you working hard on that painting. Can you tell me about it?"

(Why? You're not expecting her to be Van Gogh at four. What you want is for her to enjoy the exploration, the process -- not the product.)

Instead of:
"I'm so proud of you!"
Try:
"You must be so proud of yourself!"

(Why? Because if he's to take pride in his accomplishments, he needs to be the judge and the source of the pride. You don't want his self-esteem dependent on other people's feedback, even yours.)

Instead of:
"Good job!"
Try:
"You did it!" or "Wow! Look at you up there!"

(He needs to know you noticed that he did it, and maybe that you're impressed, if you are. You're mirroring his feelings, not telling him what to feel. Leave the evaluation of whether it's "good" to him.)

Does that mean you can't influence your child by telling her that you like what she's doing? Not at all. It's fine to express your own feelings. The danger is when our child gets the message that she's only good enough if she does things our way.

Instead of:
"Big girls help Mommy."
Try:
"I like it when you help me. Thank you."

(Why? You're teaching your child how to have a relationship with another person. She needs to know -- without guilt trips -- that what she does has an effect on the other person, so she can choose her actions. It isn't about evaluating her as a human being.)

Remember that non-specific praise backfires.

Instead of:
"You're such an angel today."
Try:
"I'm having such a good time being with you today. I love it when we have so much fun together."

(Why? Your child knows she isn't a little angel, she's a fallible human being -- and if you forget that, she'll need to show you by acting out in the worst way she can think of. Just too much pressure!)

There is one kind of general positive feedback that works, because it's feedback about you:

Instead of:
"You're a good boy."
Try:
"I am so glad I get to be your mom. I love you, no matter what!"

What Every Parent Needs To Know About Praise

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 19:10:00 GMT

"An impressive body of scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for doing something, the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward. Now the point isn’t to draw, to read, to think, to create – the point is to get the goody, whether it’s an ice cream, a sticker, or a 'Good job!'"-- Alfie Kohn

If you think you should always praise your kids, you may be surprised to hear that studies show praise often backfires.

We know that rewards rob kids of the joy inherent in an accomplishment. For instance, kids who receive money for grades stop taking joy in a job well done and operate in single-minded pursuit of the monetary reward, even to the point of being more likely to cheat.

But it turns out that praise, given it's potency as a reward, has similar effects. Kids who are praised for eating vegetables learn that vegetables aren't inherently delicious -- they need to come with a spoonful of sugar in the form of praise. Kids who are praised for reading learn that reading isn't inherently rewarding -- you have to be rewarded for doing it. And kids who are praised for sharing begin to share less, because they have apparently learned from the praise that no one in their right mind would share out of the goodness of their heart.

Maybe worst of all, studies show that kids who are praised a lot conclude that someone is constantly evaluating their performance. They become much more insecure about expressing their own ideas and opinions, worried about whether they will measure up.

Positive evaluations, like "What a smart boy!" sabotage children. Kids who are told they're smart don't want to disprove it so they avoid situations in which they may not appear smart, such as learning new things they might have to work at. They often simply give up at a task they could master with a little effort. (By contrast, when we comment on kids' effort -- "You are really working at that" -- they work harder.)

To review, Praise:
1. Robs kids of their joy in their accomplishments.
2. Makes it less likely that they will independently practice the behaviors they are praised for.
3. Undermines kids' self-confidence and teaches them to look for outside feedback to feel ok.
4. Keeps kids from applying themselves for fear they won't live up to the praise.

But that doesn't mean you can't engage positively with your child. The key is unconditional positive regard -- seeing your child and saying what you see -- rather than conditional praise.

Tomorrow: What to say instead of praising.

How do kids declare independence?

Fri, 02 Jul 2010 17:37:00 GMT

“Those who make peaceful revolutions impossible will make violent revolutions inevitable” -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy

July 4th marks the anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, the formal beginning of the revolution that established the United States of America. Fireworks displays across the country will symbolize our citizens' willingness to fight and die so that we could run our own country.

It's a great opportunity to think about the process of children becoming independent. How, exactly, does that happen?

Children become independent in a natural process of growth. When we meet their biological need for a secure base when they're little, they can gradually explore further and further away from us, returning regularly for refueling. Eventually, they can manage without us emotionally. Being there when our kids need us keeps them from "looking for love in all the wrong places" such as their peer group, which some kids use as a substitute "secure base."

Of course, there's that tricky balance, which allows us to step back when our kids don't need us. Kids need a step-by-step loosening of parental restrictions as they grow. Beginning when they're about a year old, they usually begin rebelling if they don't get the right to make some decisions, even if only about the red cup versus the blue cup. By the time they're two, parents need to be saying things like "You're in charge of your own body," by the time they're three, "You're in charge of picking your own clothes from this drawer" and by the time they're five, "You're in charge of your own playtime, so you decide whether you want to go to that party."

Our job as parents is to provide our kids with the lifeline of a strong relationship with us while giving them steadily increasing control over their own lives. Kids who are given gradual, appropriate autonomy learn how to use it responsibly. They grow into unique individuals who feel confident in their own skin. They aren't as prone to peer pressure.

Maybe most important, the peaceful evolution of independence protects our kids from the violent revolution that otherwise characterizes the teen years. It's a myth that teens have an inherent need to rebel. What they need is to become themselves, with our blessing.

What Part of No Doesn't Your Kid Understand?

Thu, 01 Jul 2010 18:26:00 GMT

“When we acknowledge our children’s right to want things, as well as their right to be upset when they can’t have what they want, it goes a long way toward defusing their anger and the tantrums that occur as a result.” -- Nancy Samalin

The part of NO that our kids don't understand is the part where we make them feel bad about themselves and what they want, instead of just saying NO to the behavior.

How do you feel when you can't have something? Maybe a nice vacation, or dinner at a fancy restaurant, or even just a few minutes to yourself? Think how much better you feel when your spouse, or friend, responds to your desire like this:

"I see how much you want that....I wish you could have it...You deserve it....Wouldn't it be nice?"

But what if instead they say:

"No way! What, are you crazy?! In your dreams! Get over it!" or, worse yet, "You're always wanting things! You're so greedy and self-centered! Do you think you're the center of the universe?"

From your perspective, your kid's desire to stay up later, swing from the lights at the doctor's office, or have her birthday party at a fancy place might be just plain nuts. But if you can say YES to the feelings and desire, even while you say NO to the behavior or request, your child will feel (and act) a whole lot better.

Like this:

"You wish you could stay up later. When you're big, I bet you'll stay up all night, every night, right? But right now it's bedtime. Do want to pick a story or should I?"

"You're full of energy right now. This isn't a good place for jumping around, but when we get outside, we can play a little in the park across the street before we head home. Want to play this puzzle game with me while we wait for the doctor?"

"You wish you could have a party at that place, but we can't afford it. I see how disappointed you are, Sweetie. I know you want a really great party where all the kids will have lots of fun. Let's brainstorm about how to have a really fun party in our backyard. Should everyone bring bathing suits and have a water fight? Should we make a special cake together?"

You might even post a little sign on your refrigerator or car dashboard:

Allow feelings, Limit behavior.

When You & Your Kid Need Some First Aid Fast

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 18:36:00 GMT

"When we act with love, trying to understand the other person, it is easy, natural to have more patience." -- Alice Uchida

Sometimes we have a hard day. We have an interaction with our child that leaves wounds.

Or we find ourselves in an escalating cycle with our child, where we see everything she does through a negative lens.

How can we recover, heal, repair the relationship, move back into a positive cycle?

1. Write a list of all the things you appreciate about your child. Make sure you write at least a page. Stalled out? Think back to when he was a baby. Or reflect on how every "fault" you see in your child is actually a strength if seen from another perspective, and list those strengths.

2. See it from her perspective. Your child is not out to get you. Your child is seeking to get his needs met as best he can. If he's using strategies that don't work so well, maybe you can figure out how to help him meet those needs more constructively. For instance:

A child who's hitting a younger sibling is almost always acting out of fear that you don't love him as much. Aggression always derives from fear or pain.
A child who's being difficult and cranky usually needs to cry in the safety of your arms.
A child who's being obstinate usually needs more autonomy and opportunities to express her power in the world.
A child who acts disrespectful needs more connection with you -- and possibly more respect from you.
A child who's pushing you past your limits needs you to set a limit so he feels safe -- and to set it empathically so he feels understood at the same time.

3. Let him know how much you love him. At bedtime, stroke his hair. List all the things you love about him. Tell him how lucky you are to be his mom.

After this, you should see an immediate difference in your relationship with your child. If you feel yourself backsliding, just remember: Stop, Drop (however you're about to respond) and Hug.

The Everyday Losses of Parenting

Tue, 29 Jun 2010 17:58:00 GMT

"I miss my baby.
I can't believe that she's a going-to-school girl,
a climb-into-my-own-chair-and-make-my-own-sandwich girl,
a brush-my-own teeth girl,
a take-off-my-coat-and-hang-it-on-the-hook girl,
a go-to-the-toilet-and-wipe-my-own-bum girl.
Where's that baby who didn't want to do anything but snuggle up with me? The cuddly, chubby one who was constantly on my hip as I made dinner, vacuumed the living room, talked on the phone? My back is very grateful that she's a do-it-myself girl. The rest of me gets a bit sad from time to time."
--www.flickr.com/photos/notcatherinezeta/

Everyone who loves also grieves.

Parents have a unique relationship with grief, though, because parents face constant loss -- even parents with healthy children who thrive and grow to become happy, productive adults. As our children age, we lose them over and over. And even if we remain close to them as they establish their own families, if we have done a good job as parents we ultimately lose our children to their own lives.

Of course, we receive the solace of the next, often wonderful, stage, but that doesn’t erase the profound loss of the infant’s earliest milky smiles, the toddler’s adoring gaze, the preschooler’s unmatched exuberance, the six year old still climbing onto our lap for a bedtime story. Even now, with a 14 year old and a 19 year old, I see in their faces both the toddlers they were and the adults they are becoming. "Stop growing up!" I want to plead. "You're old enough!"

But children can't learn to fly if we are, even unconsciously, clutching at their ankles. We all know parents who undermine their children’s development out of their own needs. How can we avoid that?

I think the secret is to recognize the loss that comes with each new stage of our child's life. If we can honor that grief, we can more fully revel in the joy each age brings.

There's an old idea that our tears at a funeral are what free our loved one, floating him or her into the next world. I think there's a parallel here.

I think our willingness to honor our mixed feelings about our children growing up is part of what frees them to try their wings...and to fly.

5 Steps to Avert a Meltdown

Tue, 29 Jun 2010 14:51:00 GMT

“The act of radical acceptance... requires us to go beyond what we thought were our limitations. It requires us to embrace what may not be easy for us to accept ....Is there a way to change how we experience the hair-pulling challenges of mothering? Can we truly alter our feelings in the midst of the supermarket trip from hell? …There is always another way to see the situation, a way that potentially offers greater peace, comfort, acceptance, and balance than our initial response.”
-- Bethany Casarjian, Ph.D. & Diane H. Dillon, Ph.D.

Michele had had a hard day. In fact, a hard week. She was depleted, at the end of her rope. It was bedtime and she was putting three kids to bed. She left her three year old in his room reading quietly. Then,

"I went into his room and I notice that he has pulled a picture of a bird out of his pop-up book and is standing on his bed trying to fasten it to the tree that's painted on his wall. My first reaction was just irritation and all I wanted to do was scream at him. Didn't he know that this was just the last thing I needed?! Wasn't he supposed to be reading?! Ugg! My second reaction was this. I calmly asked him to give me the bird. (tough) He did and I just took it along with the book and put it in the hall. When I came back he was sitting there trying to figure out what I was going to do. I will freely admit that there are days when I would have yelled. I told him that I loved him and it was time for bed. We did our normal routine for bed with reading and saying good night without any strife." -- Michele

YES!! Go Michele!!

I admit that from my calm perspective reading this, Michele's kid doesn't look so naughty to me. I'm tickled by his creativity in putting the bird in the tree. On a good day, I'd have helped him with the tape. (I figure kids need to be able to put things on at least one of their walls. When they're 14, they can help us repaint them. And a mural of a tree is just waiting for a bird.)

But on a bad day, anything can push us over the edge. We told him to read quietly and here he is standing up, destroying a book and the wall, breaking the rules, whatever. We feel so put upon that we feel completely justified exploding at our kid. We may even be able to admit that we're itching for a fight, just to let off all that tension, just to feel less victimized.

But yelling never solves the problem. It's always bad for our child. It always makes things worse.

So next time you're in this situation, let Michele be your inspiration. Here are your five steps to avert a meltdown.

1. Stop. Take a deep breath.

2. Remind yourself that there is no emergency. You don't need to go into fight or flight mode. Your child is not the enemy and is not victimizing you.

3. Try to see the situation from your child's perspective. Have you ever noticed that when you look at a situation from the other person’s perspective your anger melts away?

4. Set any necessary limits with as much empathy as possible. Postpone any discipline.

5. Later, consider whether there are any changes you can make that would make things work better. Start the bedtime routine earlier? Make a rule about books, or walls, or standing up in bed? Go to sleep earlier yourself so you aren't so depleted tomorrow evening at bedtime? Whatever, see if there is some positive action you can take to prevent a replay.

6 Steps to Stop Yelling

Thu, 24 Jun 2010 14:26:00 GMT

"Dear Dr. Laura.....I have no idea how to be the parent who doesn’t yell….it is so deeply ingrained into me..."

It isn't easy to stop yelling. You can desperately want to, and still find yourself screaming. Of course, it's completely justified by your child's behavior, if you want to look at it that way. And it's probably predictable, if you look at your own upbringing.

But we all know that our kids respond better if we don't yell. Instead of escalating a difficult situation, if we can stay calm, it settles everyone else down. Our relationship with our child strengthens. They cooperate more. They start to control their own emotions more. Bottom line: How can you expect your child to control his own emotions if you don't control yours?

if you know that you want to stop yelling, I assure you that it's completely possible -- no matter how ingrained it is. It's not rocket science. It takes about three months. Like learning the piano, you start playing scales today, you practice daily, and soon you can pick out simple tunes. In a year you can play a sonata.

Will it be hard to stop yelling? Yes. It doesn't happen as if by magic. It takes constant, daily effort. No one can do it for you. But I've seen hundreds of parents do it.

Want to get started?

1. Make sure you aren't running on empty. Stress kills your relationships, your compassion, and your body.

2. Set limits with your kids before things get out of control, while you can still be empathic and keep your sense of humor.

3. Stop controlling and start connecting. You're yelling because you want to change your child's behavior, right? Take the time to see things from your kid's point of view. She has a reason for what she's doing. It may not be what you think is a good reason, but if you address the reason, you change the behavior. Without raising your voice.

4. Manage your mind so you aren’t letting fear run you. There’s only ever one choice – love or fear. Choose love. Love never fails.

5. Think "CALM." You can never control the other person, only yourself. Luckily, that's enough. Do whatever you need to, to stay calm in the situation. Whatever your child has just done, you will react more constructively from a place of calm. Don't escalate the storm. Your child is counting on you to be the calming influence.

6. Just Stop, Drop, and Breathe. Remember that you'll make mistakes. When you find yourself in the middle of losing your temper, stop. Breathe. Walk out of the room, even if you were mid-sentence. When you're calm, start over.

Before you know it, you'll catch yourself before you start yelling. It may seem like a miracle, but this is something you can do. Which doesn't make it less of a miracle.

That's it. Hard, yes. But you can do this. Want some support? My Teleseminar this Friday is a for parents who want to stop yelling. Come talk with me.

It only takes 3 minutes to stop yelling at your child

Fri, 25 Jun 2010 13:30:00 GMT

"If you are upset, it is the wrong thing to say or do and will only aggravate the situation. It is not what you want to say. It does not represent your true intention and is therefore inauthentic. The proof to this inauthenticity is that later you regret your words and actions and they build walls between you and your child." -- Naomi Aldort

When we're angry at our kids, most of us burst out with comments we would never say if we were calm. Later, we're remorseful. We apologize. But most kids react to our yelling by putting another brick in the wall between us, and dismantling that wall isn't easy.

Or, we justify having yelled: "There's just no other way to get through to that kid." (That reinforces the wall.)

Wouldn't it be amazing to simply stop yelling, even when you're angry? It's completely possible. No matter who you are, no matter how your kid acts. And yes, you and your child will be much closer, one by-product of which is that your child will be better-behaved. Another by-product is that your child will be more cooperative.

How can you stop yelling? It's hard, but this is something you can do. How?

Start by noticing your escalating upset. Unless it's an immediate emergency, step back from the situation and take three minutes by yourself. Your kid will still be there when you come back. If your child is too young to leave, tell him you're taking a "chill-time" and need to sit quietly near him.

Minute One: What's the thought that's upsetting you? Say it silently to yourself. Consider that the thought that's driving your upset probably isn't even true. It almost certainly comes from fear, like "I have to nip this behavior in the bud" or "He's just manipulating me!" Consider how that thought makes you treat your child.

Minute Two: How would you act toward your child if you could let go of that fearful thought? Realize there is always another side to every story. Consider the situation from your child's perspective and find a more loving thought. For instance, "He's hurting and he's letting me know that." Keep breathing.

Minute Three: Say to yourself three times while breathing deeply: "Although I'm upset, I can see this from his perspective. I can calm myself to parent from love and heal this situation." Then, return to your child and start over from a place of love.

Later, consider how you might intervene to prevent such a situation in the future. Repeat as often as necessary.

Sound hard? It is, because when we're angry we're swamped with hormones that make us want to attack. But this gets to the root of the thoughts that trigger those neurotransmitters.

Want some support in doing this? My Teleseminar this Friday is a support call for parents who want to stop yelling. Come talk with me!

In Honor of Fathers

Tue, 22 Jun 2010 22:55:00 GMT

Today is Father's Day. The perfect time to honor every Dad who shows up for his kids each day committed to being the best father he can. You are making a huge difference in your child's life -- now, and every day of your child's future. Thank you.

Every study that has ever been done on fathers has shown how important each parent is in the life of a child.

Is this because male figures are inherently necessary? Maybe, given that all the research shows that dads relate somewhat differently to their kids than moms do.

Or maybe not, given that children of lesbian couples do just fine, everything else being equal. But there is no question that kids do better with two parents. And there is no question that a child born to two parents needs both of those parents in his life, or he experiences it as rejection, whether the other parent left through death, divorce or abandonment.

Of course, single parents can do a great job raising kids, but it's a heroic feat, and a risk factor for the child. Then again, life isn't perfect, and we all do the best we can.

So if you're a father, or co-parenting with a father, you'll be interested in knowing how important dads are. A few noteworthy facts:

An active and nurturing style of fathering is associated with better verbal skills, intellectual functioning, and academic achievement among adolescents.
When fathers are involved in their children's education, the kids are more likely to get As, enjoy school, and participate in extracurricular activities.
Toddlers with involved fathers go on to start school with higher levels of academic readiness. They are more patient and can handle the stresses and frustrations associated with schooling more readily than children with less involved fathers.
Kids who have problematic relationships with their mothers grow up to be worse parents -- UNLESS they have good relationships with their dads, in which case they can become very good parents.
Children without a strong male figure are more likely to drop out of school, abuse drugs and alcohol, and wind up in prison.
Adolescent girls living in homes without their fathers are 3 times more likely to engage in sexual relations by the time they turn 15, and 5 times more likely to become a teen mother.
Fathers who take a week or more off to spend with their newborn are closer to their kid at every stage of the child's life, right up into young adulthood.
Dads often worry that they don't know how to care for a newborn. But research shows that men have a hormonal response to becoming fathers, which includes a natural protectiveness toward the baby. So Paternal Instinct is as real as Maternal Instinct.
The more time dads spend holding their new babies, the more their paternal instinct is activated, and the more comfortable they feel comforting and caring for their newborns. This is usually a transformative experience for Dad, a tremendous relief to mom, and a vital relationship for the baby.

How to Help Your Child Learn to Control Himself

Tue, 29 Jun 2010 15:11:00 GMT

"Dr. Laura -- I really liked the email about it taking only 21 days to change. But all your suggestions are about changing myself. (Acknowledge my kid, Avoid yelling. etc.) I know yelling doesn't help, but I grew up with yelling and it is very hard to stop. In the meantime, my kid (who I know at heart is a good boy) is out of control and impulsive. How do I teach him to control himself?" -- Yelling Mom

“If you don’t know what to do and are about to throw your hands up in the air, try a hug. Worst case scenario, you create a connection instead of causing a rift. Best case scenario, that is what your child really needed and he starts cooperating after the hug because his needs have been met.” -- phdinparenting.com

I think Yelling Mom is really asking two questions:

1. How can I stop yelling?

2. How can I teach my child to control his emotions?

Believe it or not, they have the same answer: Manage your own emotions.

I know, easier said than done. We would all love to change our child because it seems so much easier than changing ourselves. But we can never really change another person.

The good news is, you CAN teach your child to control his emotions. The bad news is, all of it begins with controlling your own emotions.

The specifics are in yesterday's email (you can find it on my blog, too). And next week's teleseminar is a live support call for parents on how to stop yelling. (Click here for more info or to register.)

But I don't want you to think I'm dodging Yelling Mom's question, which is one most parents have. It is indeed part of our responsibility as parents to help our kids manage their emotions, and there are things you can do directly to foster your child's emotional intelligence. There's a whole section on my website about emotional intelligence.

The short version is, when our child gets upset for any reason, they need us to help them self-regulate. That experience of regulating their emotions begins in the body. Babies create neural pathways to soothe their emotions - but only when they experience being soothed. When toddlers' upsets are met with calmness and warmth, those neural networks are strengthened. As we give them words for their emotions, shortcuts to soothing are created. Preschoolers may still have meltdowns, but if we are calm with them, they have already learned to control themselves much of the time. As they become more empathic towards others (by being treated with empathy) they become less likely to act out in ways that will hurt others. And, of course, a maturing brain helps!

Bottom line: The child's emotional self-regulation comes from the parents' self-regulation, which is what allows them to accept the child's upset and love him through it.

Some kids are born with special challenges. Many parents find it hard to stay calm. In that case, the process takes longer, but it is never too late. (In fact, research shows that husbands who respond to a wife's upset by remaining calm have happier marriages.) Our ability to meet a loved one's upset with loving calm is what helps the other person to recover, and to soothe future upsets before they get out of hand. Both people grow through this process.

So if your kid is out of control, take a deep breath. Acknowledge to your child that it feels to him like an emergency, but let your calm, loving behavior signal that it isn't one. When in doubt, try a hug. Love never fails.

Your Kid, Thriving, in 21 Days

Tue, 29 Jun 2010 15:13:00 GMT

"Dr. Laura -- I came across your website a month ago and have been trying to follow the advice in your emails. I am amazed at the difference in my son in just this short time. Mostly, I try to just stop when I get upset and see things from his point of view. Thank you for helping us stay on track!" -- Madeline

Consider a plant which seems droopy. Do you yell at it to “Straighten up and grow right!”? Or do you figure out what it needs: more water, more sun, a bigger pot? Kids, like the rest of us, are just trying to get their needs met, and all of their behavior arises from those needs. Their strategies often aren't what we'd like. (Hitting their little brother because they worry you love him more tends to backfire.) But we have to address the deeper needs to change the behavior. The only way we can do that is to see things from their perspective.

Want to try an experiment? It takes three weeks to create a new habit. If you start today, and keep trying every day (you don't have to do it perfectly!) your parenting will be different in three weeks. And I guarantee you will see a change in your child. Here's how:

1. Say what you see. Verbally acknowledge your child's existence, activities, preferences, without judgment. "I notice you're using a lot of blue in your painting today....You really love that breakfast cereal....You like to have a warning before we go somewhere....I notice you're starting to put your face in the water a little bit...You've been working on building that tower for a long time." Kids need to be "seen" and acknowledged, just for being themselves, and it goes a long way toward meeting their core need to stay connected to us.

2. Make sure you connect warmly, physically with each child, every day, for some snuggle time. This is indispensable. If your kid is "too old" to snuggle, give him a foot rub or back rub.

3. If you're setting a limit, offer empathy: "I see how mad you are. It's ok to be mad, everyone gets mad sometimes. But toys are not for throwing. If you want to throw, you can take a ball outside."

4. Whenever you start to get upset, STOP. Take a deep breath. Remind yourself that there's no emergency. Sure, you could have a little tantrum and yell and scream. You're perfectly justified. But consider that plant. Will yelling at it help? With your child, it sabotages all your attempts to build a good relationship. You don't have to respond right now, except if safety is at stake. Wait until you calm down. No matter how old your child is, your message will be more effective when you're calm.

5. Consider things from your child’s perspective. Why is he doing this? What need might be operating? (More down time? More connection with you? More of a sense of independence and mastery? More "structure" from you to help him learn to handle something himself?) Meeting that need is the only way to change the behavior. If a hurt has been done, your child can think of something nice to do for whoever he hurt to repair the relationship, but resist the urge to punish. Punishment of any kind will create more bad behavior of some kind.

6. Focus on the positive. Kids respond to our energy, so be passionate with your YES! to everything you want to see more of from her. Every time you appreciate your child, every time you love something about her, you’re giving her the clear message: More of this, please. She will grow accordingly.

May your next 21 days be filled with miracles, large and small.

How Kids Learn to Control Their Emotions

Wed, 16 Jun 2010 15:44:00 GMT

“I'm afraid that if I continue to parent DS as I did when he was a baby (meeting his needs) he won't learn to control his emotions." -- Joanna, mom of one year old on Continuum Concept Forum

It's true that when little ones get to about 14 months, parenting gets more complicated. Babies have needs that parents aspire to meet whenever possible. Kids have wants, which are their strategies to meet their needs. We still try to meet kids' needs, of course -- but we can't, and shouldn't, meet all their wants. That's where parents have to get creative, or maybe where the real parenting begins!

But this fear so many of us have about whether our child will learn to control his emotions is, I think, where we start to go wrong as parents. Most of us assume that when kids stop being so easily controlled, we have to stop giving them unconditional love. We start putting conditions on our love in order to control them. We think we're changing their behavior but in actuality we're withdrawing the support they need to thrive.

And this is all based on a mistaken idea of how kids learn to control emotions. Denying emotion or making ourselves wrong for having emotions doesn't help us control them.

Here's how a child actually learns to control his emotions:

1. We accept ALL of his feelings, and help our child feel safe enough to express them, even while we limit his actions (for instance, he can be as mad as he wants, but he can't hit the other child.)

2. We resist all forms of discipline, which are essentially punishment (such as time outs, or consequences.) Instead, we meet our child's needs, including her need for a deep nurturing connection with us, which eliminates most "misbehavior." Then, we help our child stay on track with positive, respectful guidance and scaffolding (which just means that we help them to learn the skills until they can do it themselves.)

3. We model healthy emotional self-management by resisting our own little "tantrums" such as yelling and instead choosing to speak respectfully to our child and everyone else. (This is the one most of us are still working on!)

When kids feel good, they "act good." Kids who are parented this way turn out to be respectful, considerate, delightful kids, right through the teen years. They learn to "control" their emotions because they have a healthy emotional life, not because they have been humiliated, made wrong, or forced to be untrue to themselves in some way.

If you're still working on "controlling" your own "tantrums," you'll be glad to hear that your kids will almost certainly be better at managing their emotions than you are. Why? You're doing the hard work now to help them learn how!

13 Cures for Stress

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 18:26:00 GMT

"I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once." -- Jennifer Unlimited

We all know that it's impossible to be an inspired parent -- or a happy person -- when we're stressed out. And yet we assume it's the only way to live.

It isn't. We choose our stressed-out pace. Why? Often to prove how essential we are. Sometimes just because that's how everyone else lives, and we don't know there are alternatives.

Stress pumps you with cortisol, which keeps you from sleeping well and signals your body to put on the pounds. (After all, if you're under stress, it must be an unfriendly environment that could soon stop supplying food, right?)

If you're pregnant, stress activates certain genes in your baby that help him or her adjust to an unfriendly environment. Trust me, you don't want those genes activated. You'd rather have a baby who wants to connect than a baby who wants to fight.

And speaking of fighting, you don't really want to respond to your bossy three year old by fighting with her, do you? Stress makes it about a hundred times more likely that you will raise your voice to your child in any given interaction.

Luckily, stress is a choice. You can banish it. Ready to release stress from your life? Here’s a baker’s dozen list of stress-reducers, all proven by researchers to actually change your biochemistry and your moods.

1. Slow down. Most stress is caused by rushing. When you rush, your body gets the message that there's an emergency, and starts pumping out cortisol and adrenalin. There's no reason to rush. Leave earlier. Leave your arrival time loose ("After her nap we'll call and come over.") Call and re-negotiate your arrival time.

2. Stop multi-tasking. Stress research shows that when a task is not yet completed, your brain flags it and worries. The more "open" files your brain is juggling, the more stressed you feel. Do you think multi-tasking makes you more productive? Productivity researchers say that's an illusion. Try finishing one task at a time. You'll be amazed how it lowers your stress level.

3. Breathe. As often as possible throughout your day, mindfully shift your state of being into calmness by slowing your breathing. You can do this while washing dishes, answering email, standing in line, driving in traffic, answering the 97th "Why, Mommy?" question of the day, or dealing with an irate coworker, customer, or toddler.

4. Repeat a calming mantra (“I am more than enough...This too shall pass...He’s acting like a child because he is a child...No one goes to college in diapers...I am a good enough parent...I'm just here for love.”)

5. Shift into gratitude. Even on hard days, there is so much to be grateful for. Count your blessings and say thank you for everything good in your life, every day. Throughout your day, as often as possible, find something to say "Thank You" for. If this is the only thing you change, it will change your entire life.

6. Don't sweat the little things. Her jacket on the floor may drive you crazy, but it pales in comparison to how she treats her little brother. She's becoming a person, right before your eyes, and she's modeling herself after you, even if she doesn't show it. What a gift that you get to be her parent! Enjoy every moment. Don't worry, she'll pick up her jacket someday.

7. Cultivate Joy. Consciously do one thing that gives you joy every single day. Life is not a dress rehearsal. You could drop dead tomorrow. Don't wait to live.

8. Forgive yourself, as well as your kids and your partner, for being imperfect. Finding fault sends your stress level soaring, and it doesn't work to make you a better person. We act better when we feel better.

9. Simplify. Pare back your schedule to do only the essentials. Just say no to whatever doesn’t bring you joy. You can put off anything except love.

10. Reframe. Instead of “We’ll never find a parking space,” say “Wouldn’t it be great if we found a parking space easily?” Instead of "That took forever" how about "That only took fifteen minutes?" The story we tell ourselves determines how we feel. I'm not suggesting you try to talk yourself out of grief or other strong emotions -- those you need to feel. But I am suggesting that you could choose to feel aggrieved in response to the world quite often, or you could choose to remember that life if good. Which feels better to your body?

11. Act “as if.” You're stressed out. Can't cope. What would Jesus, Buddha, a joyous mother, do? Imagine it. Then do it.

12. Find ways to laugh at what will inevitably go wrong. Crying and giggling release the same anxieties. Cry when you have to, but laugh when you can.

13. The minute your mood veers from loving to frenzied, stop. Hug your child and regroup.

Why punishment doesn't work

Thu, 10 Jun 2010 16:23:00 GMT

There's a video on my website of me being interviewed on the national Morning Show with Mike and Juliet on Fox. The show was on Spanking –whether or not to spank your kids. They had invited on a woman who believed she needed to spank her kids, and a mom who had decided not to spank her children. It was an interesting show, given that the spanking mom got pretty riled up, but kept insisting that she wasn’t angry. You can watch the whole show on my website.

My Aha! moment came when the host turned to the woman who didn’t spank her children and insisted “But what DO you do, to punish your kids, if you can’t spank them? Timeouts don’t really work, do they?”

This lovely mom struggled to answer the question, “Well…. I used timeouts for awhile… but then I stopped using them… I guess …I just didn’t need them…” She looked puzzled, as she realized that she didn’t have an answer for the host, because she didn’t actually punish her kids – because she didn’t need to! It was almost as if she was speaking a different language. The host’s assumption was, of course, that you punish your kids.

I recognized this mom’s confusion, because I had it myself once, when I first started answering questions from parents. They would ask me about discipline, and I didn’t have an answer, because I had never used discipline with my kids. I had guided them, of course. I had set limits ("It's bedtime"..."In our family we don't ever call names.") I had set high expectations ("In our family we always do the extra credit homework.") But I had never used discipline, in the sense of imposing something unpleasant on my child. So my Aha! parenting moment came when I first found myself, like this mom, realizing that the reason I didn’t need to discipline my kids is that I never had!! That was why they were so well-behaved!

Are my kids perfect? No. My daughter really did want to call her brother a poopy-face when she was four. My son thought thank you notes were torture devices. They hate to clean up their rooms. They forget to do things sometimes, unless I remind them. They occasionally get cranky, or raise their voices. But a little reminder is all it takes for them to behave with consideration. The secret? They’ve always been treated with consideration. No one has ever done anything unpleasant to them, even disguised as for their own good. So at 14 and 19, they’re considerate, affectionate, and delightful. And I can't remember an age when they weren't.

I'm obviously proud of my kids, but they aren't this way because of anything special about them. I believe the secret is that they were never punished, so they never misbehaved. Punishment ALWAYS creates more misbehavior, because it undermines your relationship with your child and makes him feel like a bad person. If you tell him he’s a bad person by punishing him, he believes you, and then he acts more and more like a bad person. You should know, after all, you’re the parent, the arbiter or everything, the one who taught him red and blue and right and wrong.

So to answer the TV host’s question, what DO you do instead of punish when your kids act up? Stay calm. Decode the behavior -- why is he acting this way? Meet his needs, including his need for more connection with you. You’ll be amazed at how your kid will settle down, and begin cooperating to please you. Do you set limits? Of course. But if you set them with empathy, you’ll find you need to set them less and less.

Some parents worry that if they don’t punish their child, he won’t learn.

But kids don’t learn from lectures — as all parents learn, to our dismay! Kids learn what they live. Punishing kids teaches them that hurting others, or themselves, is ok. Acting rudely toward your kids — yelling, threatening — is what teaches kids that inconsiderateness is ok. Offering love in the face of emotional upset models meeting pain with compassion. It teaches emotional intelligence, that anger is an inevitable part of being human and can be handled responsibly. It increases their love for us and their desire to please us.

No, you’re not teaching him that he can get away with bad behavior. You’re teaching him that he can’t always get what he wants, but he can survive that and get something even better — someone who loves him, yucky feelings and all, through thick and thin. That’s unconditional love, the foundation of our kids’ emotional health and maturity. Not to mention their good behavior.

Is your child a bottomless pit?

Thu, 10 Jun 2010 15:52:00 GMT

"We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth." -- Virginia Satir

Sometimes I hear from parents that their child is a bottomless pit. If your child is sucking up all you can give and still not thriving, you might be putting your energy in the wrong place. Kids who hunger for your connection to the point that they act out usually need that connection on a non-verbal level.

>Spending time with them baking cookies might make them happy because they get to lick the bowl, but it doesn't fill their deeper hunger to be held, physically and emotionally. Spending time reading to him might be intellectually stimulating, but it won't answer his deeper questions about whether he's loved and valued for who he is. Teaching her to throw a ball might be a good bonding experience, but if she's hitting her little sister because she's afraid you don't love her as much, it's an indirect (and less effective) route to healing her fear.

If your child feels like a bottomless pit, try this experiment:

1. Every day, spend 15 minutes snuggling. Revel in touching your child. Don't structure this time. Just kiss him on the nose, nuzzle her hair, let him sink into the comfort of your lap. Even if your kid is eight, treat him as if he's a baby, just beginning to be verbal. Play the physical games you played when she was tiny. If you tickle, be very gentle and stop immediately if your child asks you to. Mostly, just snuggle and lavish attention.

2. If your child talks, listen closely and commiserate, so he feels understood. Resist the urge to lecture or teach. Drop any agenda except appreciating your child. Mostly, just be physical, not verbal.

3. Turn resistance into a game. Sometimes when parents begin this experiment, kids resist because they aren't sure they trust the idea of more closeness. They ridicule the parent or wriggle away. If this happens, turn it into a game. Become a hapless bumbler, begging for a hug or kiss. "I just need my fix of Eli" you might say. "Just one little hug." Crawl after him, grab an ankle to kiss, and if he wriggles away again, let him escape while continuing your clumsy pursuit. "I'll never give up...I can't live without kissing you!" Take your cues from him, but if he lets himself be caught, kiss him all over, saying "Oh, I just need these delicious Eli kisses....Finally!" Notice I'm not recommending tickling, which can make kids feel over-powered. Giggling, on the other hand, is a great way to let off pent-up emotions (and much more fun for the parent than tears), as long as the child feels in control of the game.

4. Welcome all emotion. Parents frequently report that they have a lovely time with their child only to have the kid throw a violent tantrum later that day. Kids often respond to increased closeness by letting out emotions they haven't felt safe showing you before. So when you end the play session, if your child creates a crisis or suddenly becomes difficult, don't be surprised. Remind yourself that this is a good thing, a result of increased trust; she's using this opportunity to heal old wounds. Set whatever loving limit you need to ("We can't play more now but we will have special time again tomorrow.") If your child responds with anger or upset, offer empathy and hold her while she cries. ("That makes you really sad. That's ok. Everybody feels sad and needs to cry sometimes.") If she's mad, that's ok too, just empathize and she'll almost certainly collapse into tears. Afterwards, she'll feel closer to you and more cooperative.

If you have a hard time getting into this experiment, pull out your child's baby pictures. Go through them together, oohing and ahhing about how cute he was ("Almost as cute as you are now!" you say with a kiss.) This will put both of you in touch with a simpler time when your adoration of your child was easily accessible -- and your physical connection touched both your souls.

Ten Steps to Teach Your Child To Share

Thu, 10 Jun 2010 15:14:00 GMT

"Children actually love to share. When they're babies, they like to give us things, and have us give those things back. When they're a bit older, they like to take a plate of cookies and offer one to each person in the room. When older still, they love the games that include everyone in the family. And when they are relaxed and feeling secure, children even love to see someone else enjoy their favorite things....To be able to share, a child needs to feel a strong sense of connection, he needs to feel loved and warmly accepted. When he feels close to others and emotionally safe, he's not so desperate for the blue shovel or the green balloon. He can wait for a turn. He has what he really needs; a sense of connection buoys him through little disappointments." -- Patty Wipfler

We all want our children to be generous. But forcing a person to be share just makes him resentful. Worse yet, it internalizes the sense that he must be a very bad boy indeed if he doesn’t want to share like a good boy.

(For an insightful description of how being guilt-tripped into generosity can undermine self esteem, check out how young Laura is taught to share -- and feel bad about herself -- in the Laura Ingalls Wilder books.)

So if we can't force our kids to share, what can we do? Generosity starts with a feeling of having plenty, and develops as we have experiences of making others happy by giving to them. Our job as parents is to help our kids to have those experiences. How?

1. Make sure your child's needs to be seen, appreciated, and adored are met. We can only give when we're full inside.

2. Give your child the opportunity to experience how his actions can create joy in others. This usually begins with parents; you give him the gift of seeing you respond to a gift of his – such as a card he’s made you – by letting him see the tears in your eyes as you read it.

3. Don’t force them to share before they’re ready. Insisting that a two year old share is likely to backfire. My friend John points out that asking his two year old daughter to share her favorite toys is like asking him to share his treasured violin with friends who visit. Be particularly careful about insisting that siblings share, which can undermine their relationship.

4. Remember that social situations can be very stressful for little ones. They need your presence nearby and they need to feel your availability and connection. If you're chatting away with another mom and she has to navigate the sandbox without knowing you're there to help, she's likely to feel threatened and territorial. The open-hearted trust that inspires sharing is replaced with snarling.

5. Help him wait. He wants the truck? He can have it when Michael is done with it. It's just too hard to wait? Say "You really want that truck. It's hard to watch Michael with it. I will help you wait." If he has a meltdown, that's ok. Let him cry and scream in your arms. After he gets out all those upset feelings he'll feel so good he probably won't even care about the truck. And he'll feel more connected to you, having learned that while he doesn't always get what he wants, he gets something better: Someone who loves and accepts him, no matter what.

6. Remember what she really needs. When we fixate on having a particular material thing, we're really looking for the feeling we think it will bring us. She wants the stuffed elephant, but she NEEDS to feel good inside, and that won't come from the elephant, except temporarily. When kids get their core needs (unconditional love and acceptance of their full emotional life) met, they can be flexible about what they play with.

7. Model generosity. Give to the panhandler, bake pies for the elderly at Thanksgiving. Share your ice cream with your child (and don't expect your kid to share hers with you until she's maybe twelve!) Donate to a worthy cause in honor of a special occasion. Make giving a part of your daily life.

8. Every child deserves the pleasure of giving her own money to a worthy cause. Try giving a little extra weekly allowance that goes in a special "charity" jar, and letting her give it away as she chooses.

9. Volunteer as a family. My kids and I volunteer at a local soup kitchen, and my kids love feeling like they’re making a difference in these folks’ lives. It also helps them feel better when they see a homeless person, to know that person can go get a hot meal at “our” soup kitchen. What can young kids do? Sort food at a food bank. Help you deliver Meals on Wheels. Organize a book drive and ship the books off to Reader to Reader. Start while your kids are young, so your kids take community involvement for granted. As they get into their teen years, they’ll find worthy causes of their own.

10. Share the idea that giving to others is one of the reasons we're alive. And one of the ways we can all make the world a better place. We could even argue that our purpose on earth is to grow by sharing with each other.

Eventually, if your child is lucky, she will learn from experience that making someone else happy by giving to them is truly more rewarding to her than receiving a gift herself.

5 Steps to Dissolve Fear

Thu, 10 Jun 2010 15:15:00 GMT

"We can't bear the fear, so we lash out. Does that really help? Our evolutionary hope is that we can pause and have the courage to feel what's there....and in that pause, where there's more awareness, we can have the intelligence and compassion to make a wiser decision." -- Tara Brach

If you're human, you feel fear on a regular basis. If you're a parent, you probably have fears regarding your child every single day. Is this crying normal or is it colic? Will he still be wearing diapers in college? Will she ever go to sleep without me lying down with her? Does this bullying mean he'll be a criminal? Will she even make it through adolescence? Am I a terrible parent?

Because decisions made from fear are never our best decisions, fear is not our friend. But the problem isn't really the fear. Our emotions take about one minute to arise and pass away. The problem is that:

We tell ourselves stories that perpetuate our fears. These stories amplify our fears and keep them active in our bodies for hours, days, years.
Our children pick up on our stories and live them out.
We can't bear our fears, so we lash out -- at our child, our self, our partner. (The best defense is a good offense.)

You can't get rid of fear while you're in a human body, but you can lessen its hold on you. How?

1. Name the fear. Shamans say that when we name our fear, it loses power. Brain research shows that when we name our fear, there's more brain activity in the frontal cortex (which is reasoning), and less in the limbic system (which is panic.) Put your hand on your heart. What are you actually afraid of? Notice that when you bring awareness to observing the fear, it has less control over you.

2. Don't act on the fear. Instead, sit with it. When you stop fighting fear, or running from it, it loses its power. Our reflex is to pull away, to clench up. But if you can sit with the fear, breath into it, you start to dissolve it. If you're losing sleep about your child, try just sitting, breathing, tolerating the fear. Resist the urge to take action or lash out.

3. Drop the story that's making you fearful. It could be that your kid will still be wearing diapers when he graduates from college, or still whacking his little sister, but it isn't likely. Whatever story you're telling yourself about your kid is making things worse. He's acting like a kid because he is a kid, and his challenging behavior is a plea for help. Your loving presence is the beginning of healing. That's the only story you need.

4. Bathe yourself in love and connection. The only real antidote to fear is love. The Dalai Lama says "Just imagine you're held in the heart of the Buddha." You might imagine tenderly holding your child when she was a newborn, or being held yourself.

5. Use a mantra: "Whatever happens, I can handle it." Fear is just the panic that we won't be able to handle something. But the truth is, whatever happens, you can handle it. And you can handle it from a much better place if you're anchored in love rather than driven by fear.

10 Things You Can Learn from Grandparents

Fri, 04 Jun 2010 18:34:00 GMT

"Being grandparents sufficiently removes us from the responsibilities so that we can be friends." -- Allan Frome

"If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I'd have had them first." Lois Wyse

Your parents may not have been perfect. In fact, since they were a product of their times, not to mention human, I'm sure they weren't. But many not-so-great parents become very good grandparents. Why?

Grandparents have some privileges parents don't. In addition, life experience has given them some valuable gifts. As parents, we can learn a lot from them. For instance:

1. They don’t feel responsible and berate themselves for everything the child does. When you think about it, we're better parents if we can resist this tendency ourselves. Wouldn't you be happier (and a more inspired mom or dad) if you could relax about whether you're a good enough parent?

2. They get a break to replenish their own cups. Obviously we can't give our kids to someone else and go home without them. But we can find ways to take time for ourselves so we have something to give our kids. If we don't, it's pretty challenging to be an inspired parent.

3. They don't undermine a close relationship by punishing. Sure, you need to set limits, as in "We don't hit in this family" or "It's time for bed." But punishment of any kind (including "consequences" and "timeouts") always sabotages your relationship with your child and makes it more likely that he'll misbehave.

4. They have more emotional maturity and have learned something about what really matters in life. Often, grandparents have the maturity to let a child win an argument when a parent would need to prove she's right. Grandparents are usually better listeners. Quite simply, grandparents are short on criticism and long on love.

5. They have learned that kids do grow up and become solid citizens. They've learned through tough experience that kids go through challenging phases and come out ok, so they can keep a sense of humor about the child's foibles.

6. They know how quickly childhood passes. So they want kids on their laps as long as possible, they don't tell a child to stop acting like a baby, and they would never turn down a tea party invitation to wash dishes. In fact, after the tea party they find a way to make washing the dishes fun and get the grandchild involved.

7. They know what a treasure each child is. So they're more likely to appreciate the unique gifts of each child and be understanding about the challenges each child brings into the world.

8. They know you don’t get another chance. Most parents of grown children look back with some regrets. They know you don't get a "do-over." They show up now.

9. They know life is short. Grandparents have seen their share of both sadness and joy. They know that sometimes all we can do is grieve together, and the rest of the time, why not seize every opportunity to revel in being alive?

10. They never run out of hugs and cookies. Life is tough, and we all need to be able to count on the sweetness of someone who wants nothing more from this moment than to sit and listen to us talk. Grandparents know what a gift that is -- and they love giving it as much as the child loves receiving it.

I know not all grandparents can reach this ideal. They're human too, after all. But shouldn't we take the opportunity to learn what we can from it? There's a Welsh proverb that says "Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild." I say, Why wait?

An Invitation for You

Thu, 03 Jun 2010 14:46:00 GMT

"Dr. Laura- I can’t thank you enough. Even though I’m not quite putting it all into practice (as reading it is so much easier than doing it), just getting these emails as often as possible keeps me on track when I falter as I do every single day!” -- D.

The truth is, we all falter every single day. We all get by with a little help from our friends, and we all need constant support (internal and external) to stay on track.

That's why I'm launching a new parenting group that will meet by phone once a week for six weeks. Parents on my teleseminar calls always tell me they benefit from hearing the issues in other families, particularly because they often pick up specific language and ideas to use with their own kids when they hear me respond. But I'm envisioning this new call as a small, consistent group in which each person would have time each week to focus on their individual parenting goal as well as consult with me about specific issues that arise. Of course, we'd tape the calls so they can be shared with spouses later.

Whether your personal goal is to stop yelling, to improve your relationship with your child, or to find better ways to get your kids to behave, this group is designed to help you achieve it.

But to structure this optimally, I have a few questions for you, if you're interested in such a group. (If you're not interested in a group like this, thanks for reading this far. Tomorrow we'll be back to our usual posts!)

If you'd be interested in a group like this, I'd be grateful if you could send me a quick email with answers to the following questions.

1) Are there particular days that would NOT work for you? What's better for you, day or evening? (and which time zone are you in?) If I hear lots of interest in both, I'll schedule both an evening and a daytime group.

2) Would it work for you to email your question and then listen after the fact (as folks often do for my teleseminars) or would being on the phone live each week be very important to you?

3.) I'd like to keep the price as low as possible, maybe $25 per week. However, to cover email support between calls, I would need to charge a bit more. Which is more important to you, keeping the price low or having email support?

4) Would the number of weeks make a difference to you? I'm thinking of six weeks (approximately June 14 through July 19).

If you have any other ideas or concerns, please do include them.

THANK YOU for helping me to get this right so it best serves you. I'm honored to support you on your parenting journey.

Let's make some miracles together, ok?

When Your Kid Makes You Want To Scream

Tue, 01 Jun 2010 01:32:00 GMT

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out." -- Erma Bombeck

What happens when your kid does something that makes you want to scream? What are your options?

You really don’t have many. You can scream and then feel remorseful later. Or you can resist screaming. In other words, you can escalate the upset, or you can try to stay calm to settle everyone down.

You have more options if you take positive action BEFORE you feel like screaming. Some parents are trying so hard to be patient they let things get out of hand, and then snap. The key is to set limits BEFORE you get angry.

Often when we lose it with our children, it’s because we haven’t set a limit, and something is grating on us. The minute you start getting angry, it’s a signal to do something. No, not yell. It’s time to intervene in a positive way to prevent more of whatever behavior is irritating you.

If your irritation is coming from you -- let’s say you’ve just had a hard day, and their natural exuberance is wearing on you -- explain that and ask your kids to be considerate. If the kids are doing something that’s increasingly annoying -- playing a game in which someone is likely to get hurt, stalling when you’ve asked them to do something, squabbling while you’re on the phone -- you may need to interrupt what you’re doing. Then:

1. Make a positive connection with your child

2. Empathize with whatever they’re expressing

3. Restate your rule or expectation

4. And Redirect them into positive activity.

Calmly, kindly, cheerfully do whatever is necessary — for instance, sending them outside or into separate rooms -- to keep the situation, and your anger, from escalating.

But what if despite your best efforts something happens that pushes you over the edge?

If necessary, intervene to move a child out of danger.
Take a deep breath.
Consciously speak in as calm a tone as you can manage.
Say "I need to calm down. I'll be back in a minute" and move away from your child. (If one child was being attacked by the other, take that child with you to keep him safe.)
Breathe deeply a few times. Shake the tension out through your fingers. Remind yourself "He's acting like a child because he IS a child." Do whatever calms you.
Move back to your child and set whatever limit you need to as empathically as you can. Tell your child that you'll talk more once everyone calms down, but right now you need for everyone to take some chill time. Be aware that you may trigger his abandonment fears. You don't have to be in separate rooms. You can even be on the same couch, unless you're too angry. Move as far away from your child as necessary to let yourself calm down.
Later, when everyone’s calm, talk with him about how he might handle such a situation in the future. ("I know you were mad, but we don't throw toys. Let's sit together and calm down for a few minutes....hmmm...so you were really mad, huh? I see. I know what it's like to feel that mad. But toys are not for throwing....hmmm...What could you do next time instead of throwing something?....Do you think you could call me for help? Go out side and throw a ball? Stomp your foot? What else?")

What if you find yourself screaming before you can stop yourself? The minute you notice it, just stop. In mid-sentence. Close your mouth. If you do this every time, sooner or later you'll be able to stop yourself before you start screaming. You'll be on your way to becoming a parent who never screams. Easy? No. Possible? Absolutely. I'll be here cheering you on.