Parenting Blog

“There's nothing tiny or insignificant. Everything is significant... Whether you are looking at world events or something that's happening in your kitchen, there's potential for connection or disconnection in either case. And it is really only the connection or the disconnection that is of any importance.” -- Abraham-Hicks

How is your week going?
Have you had a moment of connection with your child that made your heart melt?

You need that kind of moment every day, to be an inspired parent.  Why?  Because parenting is hard, and those moments of love are what see us through.  Because our kids feel those moments too -- that's when our love really sinks into their souls. (As you know, when kids are convinced they're lovable, they act lovable.)

What if you could create that deep loving connection as your (almost) constant way of being with your child?  It would be like giving yourself a magic wand.  There would be no more yelling in your home.  Some heart-felt tears, maybe.  Lots of hugging, smiling, laughing, fun.

How?

1. Hold that picture of your loving home in your mind right now, for a full 60 seconds. Watch it like a movie.  How are you feeling and acting?  How are your kids responding? Let that heart-melting, connected feeling soak in.

2. Every time you feel disconnected from your child today, show yourself that picture and feel that feeling again .  Don't act until you've re-centered yourself in your love. (Sounds hard?  Keep practicing. It gets a lot easier.) Remember, every action is significant.

3. Spend 15 minutes with each child today with no agenda and no distractions.  Just connect to your child with all your heart.

Tomorrow: Repeat. You'll be amazed at the transformation in your home within a week.

"Our bright, energetic, connected boys often have a lot of feelings to get out every day.  We began a game called "Escape," almost by accident, when the boys were under 3.  We hold them and cackle, 'I won't let you go until all those feelings come out.....you can try to escape, but you won't....ha. ha. ha.!'  They squirm and wriggle and arch and push and slither and I hold them tight.  They laugh and yell and LOVE it.  The game ends with them cuddling up for a chat or escaping -- which is always followed by crawling back on our laps for cuddles or another round of Escape.  They now ask for Escape when they have a lot of feelings inside that they can't express.  This activity can turn an ugly day right around!" -- Lawrence Cohen

Kids build up all kinds of feelings in the course of a day.  Little things we don't even notice evoke big feelings for them. The disappointment when you say no, the frustration of learning to use a scissors, the jealousy when you smile at her brother, the fear of a barking dog, the sense of insignificance when you send just one more important text while she's talking, the powerlessness when she can't reach the light switch in the dark room, the panic when she calls and you don't answer immediately.... Throughout the course of your child's day, every stressful experience builds up cortisol, adrenalin, ACTH, and other stress hormones. 

These stress hormones make kids more cranky and tense.  (They're the same ones that soar in your own body in a challenging traffic situation.) They prevent kids from falling asleep easily. They keep kids on edge, so the slightest additional challenge triggers a tantrum.

Tantrums are nature's way of helping kids let all these feelings out. Emotional tears contain ACTH, adrenaline and other stress-related chemicals. But this only works when kids feel safe while crying -- usually they need to be in your arms or hear your soothing voice.  Kids left to cry it out alone end up with higher levels of stress hormones in their bloodstreams.

So does your kid need to cry a little every day, in your arms?  Babies probably do. Luckily, most kids don't. Like adults, kids can use laughter just as well as tears to discharge tension and built-up anxieties. 

Laughter reduces the levels of stress hormones in our bodies.  Laughter also increases beneficial hormones like endorphins and oxytocin (the happiness hormones), as well as immune system stimulants. And, as you've no doubt noticed, shared laughter creates a sense of closeness.

Can you make it a goal to share deep laughter with your child every day? Luckily, there are countless strategies -- all of which you'll enjoy.  Some of my personal favorites:

1. Start a family pillow fight.  Works great with all ages.

2. Start a family water fight.  Make sure everyone feels safe (so no hose spraying in the face) and that it's a fair fight.

3. Have a competition to take off each other's socks.

4. Crazy animal sounds, silly rhymes, funny faces.

5. Play a game of Escape (detailed in the quote above.)

If you have other favorite ideas, pleasedrop me an email and let me know.  I'll include them on my website.

"When we act with love, trying to understand the other person, it is easy, natural to have more patience." -- Alice Uchida

Sometimes we have a hard day.  We have an interaction with our child that leaves wounds.

Or we find ourselves in an escalating cycle with our child, where we see everything she does through a negative lens.

How can we recover, heal, repair the relationship, move back into a positive cycle?

1. Write a list of all the things you appreciate about your child.  Make sure you write at least a page.  Stalled out?  Think back to when he was a baby.  Or reflect on how every "fault" you see in your child is actually a strength if seen from another perspective, and list those strengths.

2. See it from her perspective.  Your child is not out to get you.  Your child is seeking to get his needs met as best he can.  If he's using strategies that don't work so well, maybe you can figure out how to help him meet those needs more constructively.  For instance:

• A child who's hitting a younger sibling is almost always acting out of fear that you don't love him as much. Aggression always derives from fear or pain.
• A child who's being difficult and cranky usually needs to cry in the safety of your arms.
• A child who's being obstinate usually needs more autonomy and opportunities to express her power in the world.
• A child who acts disrespectful needs more connection with you -- and possibly more respect from you.
• A child who's pushing you past your limits needs you to set a limit so he feels safe -- and to set it empathically so he feels understood at the same time.

3. Let him know how much you love him.  At bedtime, stroke his hair. List all the things you love about him.  Tell him how lucky you are to be his mom. 

After this, you should see an immediate difference in your relationship with your child.  If you feel yourself backsliding, just remember:  Stop, Drop (however you're about to respond) and Hug.

"We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth."  --  Virginia Satir

Sometimes I hear from parents that their child is a bottomless pit.  If your child is sucking up all you can give and still not thriving, you might be putting your energy in the wrong place. Kids who hunger for your connection to the point that they act out usually need that connection on a non-verbal level. 

>Spending time with them baking cookies might make them happy because they get to lick the bowl, but it doesn't fill their deeper hunger to be held, physically and emotionally.  Spending time reading to him might be intellectually stimulating, but it won't answer his deeper questions about whether he's loved and valued for who he is. Teaching her to throw a ball might be a good bonding experience, but if she's hitting her little sister because she's afraid you don't love her as much, it's an indirect (and less effective) route to healing her fear.

If your child feels like a bottomless pit, try this experiment: 

1. Every day, spend 15 minutes snuggling.  Revel in touching your child.  Don't structure this time.  Just kiss him on the nose, nuzzle her hair, let him sink into the comfort of your lap. Even if your kid is eight, treat him as if he's a baby, just beginning to be verbal. Play the physical games you played when she was tiny.  If you tickle, be very gentle and stop immediately if your child asks you to. Mostly, just snuggle and lavish attention.

2. If your child talks, listen closely and commiserate, so he feels understood. Resist the urge to lecture or teach. Drop any agenda except appreciating your child. Mostly, just be physical, not verbal.

3. Turn resistance into a game. Sometimes when parents begin this experiment, kids resist because they aren't sure they trust the idea of more closeness.  They ridicule the parent or wriggle away.  If this happens, turn it into a game.  Become a hapless bumbler, begging for a hug or kiss.  "I just need my fix of Eli" you might say.  "Just one little hug."  Crawl after him, grab an ankle to kiss, and if he wriggles away again, let him escape while continuing your clumsy pursuit.  "I'll never give up...I can't live without kissing you!"  Take your cues from him, but if he lets himself be caught, kiss him all over, saying "Oh, I just need these delicious Eli kisses....Finally!"  Notice I'm not recommending tickling, which can make kids feel over-powered.  Giggling, on the other hand, is a great way to let off pent-up emotions (and much more fun for the parent than tears), as long as the child feels in control of the game.

4. Welcome all emotion.  Parents frequently report that they have a lovely time with their child only to have the kid throw a violent tantrum later that day.  Kids often respond to increased closeness by letting out emotions they haven't felt safe showing you before.  So when you end the play session, if your child creates a crisis or suddenly becomes difficult, don't be surprised. Remind yourself that this is a good thing, a result of increased trust;  she's using this opportunity to heal old wounds. Set whatever loving limit you need to ("We can't play more now but we will have special time again tomorrow.") If your child responds with anger or upset, offer empathy and hold her while she cries.  ("That makes you really sad. That's ok.  Everybody feels sad and needs to cry sometimes.") If she's mad, that's ok too, just empathize and she'll almost certainly collapse into tears. Afterwards, she'll feel closer to you and more cooperative.

If you have a hard time getting into this experiment, pull out your child's baby pictures.  Go through them together, oohing and ahhing about how cute he was ("Almost as cute as you are now!" you say with a kiss.)  This will put both of you in touch with a simpler time when your adoration of your child was easily accessible -- and your physical connection touched both your souls.

"The key to communication is not what we say, but rather the attitude that lies behind what we say... all of us are telepathically communicating all the time.  Every moment, we are choosing to join or to separate, and the person to whom we're speaking feels what we have chosen regardless of our words." -- Marianne Williamson

Did you know your child is a mind reader?  Scientists say that 93% of human communication happens without words.  To insure human survival, kids (even more than adults) are designed to sense their parents’ feelings even when we don’t say a word. Your child may not know what words are going through your mind, but he or she feels your intention.

Are you on his side? Do you have trust in her?

Or are you carrying a chip on your shoulder?  Do you need to be right, which by definition means someone else has to be wrong?

Are you worrying, unintentionally giving her the message that you don’t have confidence in her ability to handle things?

Are you willing to see things from another perspective? To look for a win-win solution? To manage your own anxiety so you bless her with your confidence?

Once your child feels you're on his side, everything can shift. Here's how:

1. Get clear on your positive intention before you open your mouth.  Most of parenting happens inside your own heart. Can't find your positive intention? Think long-term.  It's more important to have a good relationship with your child, and to raise a child who can manage her emotions, than to get immediate obedience.

2. Create a sense of safety for your child by internally affirming your confidence in him. You don't have to yell "Be careful!" as he climbs higher.  Just spot him and ask him if he's staying safe, so he can tune in to his own body.  Worried that today's tantrums mean he'll be out-of-control as a teen?  Not likely, if you help him develop emotional intelligence in the meantime. (Click here for how to do that.)  Most of us come out ok, and most "misbehavior" is age-appropriate.  Kids do grow up.  Have a little faith in mother nature -- and your own parenting.

3. Move from “fixing” your child to appreciating your child.  Your kid can't change if she feels bad about herself.  Is she hitting her brother?  Set limits on her behavior, of course, but be grateful she's letting you know that something's very wrong for her and she needs your help.  Is he driving you crazy? Find a positive frame through which to view his more challenging traits. (He's not stubborn, he has the integrity to stick to his opinions.) Then, help him learn to manage those traits. If he feels your acceptance and appreciation, he'll welcome your assistance.

Now you can work together, in partnership, to solve any problem.  You’re on the same side. That’s when you make miracles happen.