Parenting Blog

"Your success or failure in anything, large or small, will depend on your programming, what you accept from others and what you say when you talk to yourself...It makes no difference whether you believe it or not.  The brain simply believes what you tell it most." -- Richard Helmstetter, Ph.D.

“It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.”  -- Tom Robbins

Every day you have thousands of thoughts.  Researchers say that for the average person, 2/3 of those thoughts are negative:
“Not again!....I knew this wouldn’t work... I am so clumsy.... That was a dumb thing to do... Two steps forward, one step back...Can’t you do anything right?...You certainly screwed that up...We’ll never make it in time...I just can’t do this...I should do that...I wish I could do that....I'm such an idiot...”

Self-talk is powerful.   Our subconscious mind believes these comments, and we act accordingly.  Luckily, we can all retrain ourselves. Imagine if you had the perfect parent in your head, nurturing you through your day:

“Good try...Wouldn’t it be nice if this worked out?...It’s ok, don’t worry....You don’t have to be perfect...Nobody bats 1000....I love you just the way you are...Practice makes perfect...Just breathe....Don’t take it personally....You’re a good person and that’s what matters....It’s never too late to make things better....Every journey starts with the first step....You’re a hero for everything you do....Two steps forward, one step back still takes you to where you’re headed... I think I can...Sooner or later this will work out...You are more than enough!”

Each of us deserves a cheerleader to help us over life’s many hurdles. Who says we can’t be our own? In fact, who better? Research shows that happy people give themselves ongoing reassurance, acknowledgment, praise and pep talks. 

The minute you notice yourself saying anything negative, reframe it:

"I blew it!" becomes "Nobody's perfect."
"I'm so stupid." becomes "Let's pay attention and try that again."
"I can't get through to that child!" becomes "The more I listen to her and connect, the more she listens to me."
"I'm just not good at that" becomes "Practice makes perfect."
"I wish I had more time!" becomes "I make time and I take time for what I need to do."
"This is impossible!" becomes "The impossible just takes a little longer.  What do I need to do to make this happen?"

Just come to your defense as your perfect parent would.  Really soak in that terrific parenting.  You deserve it. And notice how that self-nurturing rubs off on your kids.

"I'm struggling with my own inability to be present and show empathy to my young children when they are having meltdowns. I want to be able to do this. I know this is the right thing to do. But when the meltdowns start, something in me shifts and all my good intentions fly out the window and I just want to get away from them. I'm not sure how to change this behaviour because it seems so deep-rooted in me."

Who hasn't had a hard time with this?  I know that when my child starts to lose it, something in me wants to scream "No!"

• No, I don't have time for this right now!
• No, you're embarrassing me, people are looking!
• No, why can't she be reasonable?
• No, we've been through this, not again! 
• No, she is so self-centered, I need to teach her a lesson!
• No, what am I doing wrong that she's tantrumming again?
• No, I know this is my fault, I should have... I shouldn't have...!
• No, why is she doing this to me?!
• No, why can't you just suck it up the way I do?

Bingo.  If I had acted like that as a child, I would have had it knocked out of me -- probably physically, but at least with the threat of abandonment.  Like most kids in my generation, I learned to stuff my feelings.  I learned they were dangerous. 

I was lucky enough to have some excellent therapy and a meditation practice before I had kids.  That helped me to notice my own thoughts and feelings, and train myself to tolerate my child's. But most of us enter parenting without that head start. 

So when our child has a meltdown, the little one inside of us gets triggered.  Danger signs flash. As always when danger looms, we feel a sense of panic.  We just want to get away (that's flight) or we feel a sudden rage -- we want to MAKE him shut up (that's fight) or we go numb (that's freeze).

Holding him with empathy, allowing him to let all those feelings out? Witnessing his anger without taking it personally?  That's a stretch for most parents, maybe an impossible one. All of our good intentions fly out the window.

And yet every child has numerous experiences of fear, anger, frustration and sadness that need to be expressed and accepted. That's a foundation of emotional intelligence, which allows kids to learn to manage their emotions.

So what can we do to address our own deep-rooted feelings, so we can be there for our kids?

1.  Acknowledge your own feelings.  Our panic in the face of our child's raw emotions is an issue from our own childhoods.  The only way to uproot it is to see how it served us when we were little.  Say to your rising panic:  "Thanks for keeping me safe when I was little.  I'm grown now.  All these feelings are ok. I can handle this."

2. Remind yourself that it isn't an emergency. This isn't a threat; it's your beloved child, who needs your love right now.  Whatever happens, you can handle it. If your mind persists in setting off alarms, tell it you'll deal with those concerns later, not now.

3. Remind yourself that this is a good thing.  We know your child will feel these feelings, no matter what.  The only question is whether you make it ok for him to express them, or whether you teach him they're dangerous.  (Just in case you're wondering, it's the emotions we repress that pop out without warning and get us into trouble.) Even if you can't say a whole-hearted YES! when your child starts to melt down, try to move from your automatic NO! to a warm-hearted OK, just the way you do at other times when your child needs you.

4. Take the pressure off.  You don't have to fix your child or the situation.  All you have to do is stay present.  Your child doesn't even need the red cup, or whatever he's crying for, he needs your loving acceptance of him, complete with all his tangled up feelings. His disappointment, rage, grief? They're all ok, and they will all pass without you doing a thing.

5. Take a deep breath and choose love.  Every choice we make, at core, is a move towards either love or fear.  Let your caring for your child give you the courage to choose love.  Not just love for your child, but love for the child you once were, and the parent you are now.  Just keep breathing, and saying to yourself "I choose love."  (Too corny?  Research shows this works.  But you can easily find another effective mantra:  "She's acting like a kid because she IS a kid....This too shall pass....I came out ok and she will too."  Whatever works for you.)

6. Keep it simple. Your child needs you to witness her outpouring of emotion and let her know that she is still a good person, despite all these yucky feelings.  So she needs your reassurance and permission.  Explanations, negotiations, remorse, recriminations, analysis of why she's so upset, or attempts to "comfort" her ("There, there, you don't have to cry, that's enough") will all shut down this natural emotive process.  You don't have to say much.  Your calm, loving tone is what matters.  Maybe:

You are so upset. 
Go ahead and cry.
That's ok.  Everybody needs to cry sometimes.
I hear how mad and sad you are.
I will stay right here while you get all those mad and sad feelings out.
You're telling me to go away, so I will move back a little bit, but I won't leave you alone with these scary feelings.
When you're ready, I am right here to hug you.

7. Find a good listener so that you can talk about your feelings.  Nothing triggers primal emotions like parenting.  You also need to vent, which means you need someone to listen.  Someone who will resist giving you advice.  Someone who won't be shocked when you admit that you wanted to slam your kid against the wall or leave him there in the grocery store, because they know everyone has felt this way, and you wouldn't actually do it. Someone who won't get triggered and go into a panic about whether it's ok for you, or your child, to feel such things.  Someone who will let you cry, who will be there for you just as you're there for your child.

This is hard work for parents, but a great gift to our children.  The good news is that once we say YES to children's full range of feelings, they learn to manage them in healthy ways.  In fact, you'll see positive results immediately after every "tantrum" that you meet with love, because your child will feel so much better for the rest of the day. That's unconditional love in action.

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." -- Carl Rogers

"Our wounds can heal and become our source of power." -- Gail Larsen

I know you're still growing and learning, just like me.  How do I know?  Because you're still alive.  In this classroom called Life, the lessons we need most have a way of finding us.

Sages say that having children is one of the best paths to enlightenment because it stretches the heart and teaches us to love.  Parents certainly find lots of opportunities, every day, to dig deep in search of patience, calmness and compassion. Luckily, we're strongly motivated by our love for our children, so we stretch.

Sometimes, of course, we get stuck.  In resentment, or the insistence that our child should be different.  The good news is that it's never too late to improve things with our kids.  Even better, we can use these triggering interactions to heal ourselves and our relationship with our child.  Like our own live-in zen master or therapist, our children give us the perfect opportunity to grow, as long as we're willing to stretch our hearts.

Next time your child pushes your buttons, consider this:  Maybe this upset has as much to do with your own unmet needs and fears as it does with your child.  Maybe you could embrace yourself, your imperfections, and all your messy feelings with an open heart. Maybe you could remember that before we can change, we first need to accept the whole glorious mess of ourselves, as tenderly as we would our squalling baby.

Then remind yourself:

1. That taking responsibility doesn't mean blaming yourself. Parents, being human, are never perfect.  And children have an unerring ability to trigger us, expose our wounded places, draw out our unreasonable fears and angers.

2. Kids, like other humans, need to be fully accepted exactly as they are before they can change.

3. Acceptance of our feelings does not necessarily mean acting on them.  In fact, fully accepting our anger, grief, and other messy feelings means we don't HAVE to act on them. When we can "sit with" those feelings we don't have to "act out."

Almost magically, as we bless our wounds with compassion, we find that these hurt places inform us, motivate us, make us more compassionate, tender, patient parents. 

So forgive yourself for your past mistakes.

Thank your child for pushing your buttons. 

And move on together into a better future. 

“Nothing has to be different for you to be whole.” -- Stephen Levine

Do you have a list of what you’d like to change about:

• Your life (more time? more money? more fun?)
• Yourself (more fit? more patient?)
• Your child (more responsible? more even-keeled?)

Do you think you’d be happier if you could wave a wand and make these changes?

I have bad news. We’ll never be perfect while we’re human.

But I have good news too.

We don’t have to be perfect to be happy.  In fact, pursing perfection actually sabotages happiness. The only path to happiness is to choose it, in the moment. To love ourselves, our kids, our lives -- just the way we are, messy imperfections and all.

And the only path to being an inspired parent is to love ourselves the way we are, so we can love our kids the way they are.

Nothing has to be different for you to love yourself completely.

What are you waiting for?

“My feeling is it is almost always best to err on the side of mercy and love. There are many parenting ‘mistakes’ that can be ameliorated by lots and lots of love, and the feelings of security it can bring. I also believe that I sometimes need some mercy and love myself.” -- BarelyKnitTogether

Humans have somewhere between 10,000 and 70,000 thoughts per day. The majority of these thoughts are “negative.” Our minds, doing their job of trying to protect us, constantly compare, judge, find fault, and warn.

The information they give us is often valuable.  The nitpicking isn’t.  All those negative thoughts are what create your anxiety, upset moods and mommy or daddy tantrums. In fact, our minds’ negativity is downright destructive.

It’s our job as grownups to keep our inner critics from running our lives.  We can start by noticing all those subtle inner critic attacks.

Today, just notice every time your inner critic comments. Are you criticizing yourself?  Your kids?  Your partner?  Life?

Does that really help anybody change? (Hint: When we feel attacked, we defend.  Our natural desire to cooperate vanishes.)

Does your inner critic help you feel more relaxed, empowered, loving?

Does your inner critic help your kids feel more loved, secure, open, eager to please?

Why not kiss your inner critic goodbye?

Why not offer your family – and yourself -- some mercy and love?

You might make miracles.