Parenting Blog

My Aha Moment parenting this week came while I was reading some brain research. Neuroscientists have found that the critical period for the development of certain parts of the brain coincides precisely with the critical period for attachment development—during the first three years of life.

Dr. Allan Schore, from the Department of Psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine, has done a lot of research on the orbito-frontal cortex. If you’ve lost track of yours, it’s located above the eyes in the forehead area between the left and right hemispheres. The orbito-frontal cortex plays a central role in the development of empathy, emotional memory, infant attachment and emotional regulation. Schore believes that the process of parent-infant attunement has a direct impact on the development of the orbito-frontal cortex. The neurons located in this area are particularly sensitive to the emotional expressions of the human face.  When a parent holds her baby and gazes lovingly at him, it stimulates the neurons in this area to develop.  These neurons form the foundation of the child’s later moods, relationships, self esteem, and ability to control himself.

My Aha moment was realizing that the majority of babies in the United States are in daycare during much of this developmental period.  Are their brains developing optimally?  I doubt it.  How many daycare workers are holding babies and gazing lovingly at them?  They simply don’t have time. As Penelope Leach says, those infant smiles are so slow in coming with babies.  You smile at a two month old, and it takes her awhile to make contact with her facial muscles and smile back at you.  That dance is part of what develops the neurons in the orbito-frontal cortex.  But by the time the baby smiles, the daycare worker has moved on. Even while feeding, babies are often propped with bottles rather than held.  I’m not criticizing the daycare workers.  They are ill-paid and usually have little education in child development.  Why should they be expected to love all those babies the way parents would?  In fact, how could they?  But even if they have the inclination, they certainly don’t have the time.

All of which means that the epidemic of children unable to regulate their emotions and behavior – and often growing into adults who are medicated – may be related to the prevalence of infant daycare in our society. Even when kids come out ok, how much better off could they have been if they’d had more of those loving gazes?

This is the kind of subtle effect that it’s hard to trace, that may not show up in studies of kids in daycare.   So all this worrying parents do about playing classical music for their babies to make them smarter, and getting them to read early?  And here we may be compromising their brain development – and their later happiness and life adjustment - in much more fundamental ways.

My other Aha moment was how many times I’ve heard the view that something that happens before a child can talk won’t affect them, because they won’t remember it.  And here we’re finding that some of the most important brain development takes place mostly before kids can talk! I’ve had parents say to me that babies don’t need their parents when they’re little – that anyone could be holding them or feeding them.  They point out that babies often don’t seem to know the difference during their first six months.  Well, babies may not show that they know the difference, but their brain development, and their life adjustment, turns out to be shaped by those early interactions.  Seems to me our society needs a little Aha Moment about this!

Everyone knows that stress is bad for us, but why?  Did you know that stress causes spikes in cortisol, the stress hormone produced by the adrenal glands?  That’s okay if you’re grabbing your kid away from the side of the pool, but chronic high cortisol levels are bad for your body.  Among other nasty effects, elevated cortisol can interfere with your body’s progesterone production and throw all your hormones all out of whack.  Some symptoms of chronically elevated cortisol and out-of-balance progesterone include:

•    Slower metabolism and weight gain
•    Anxiety, including difficulty falling asleep
•    Emotional outbursts and moodiness
•    Difficulty concentrating
•    Depression, exhaustion, sluggishness, crankiness.
•    PMS
•    Heavy periods with cramps
•    Food cravings and binging

As every mother learns, to her dismay, you can't be a good mom when you're stressed out, no matter how positive your intentions.  It's true that modern life creates stress, but it's also true that what stresses out one person may just roll off the back of another.  A three pronged approach works best:   Strengthen your body so you can parent with more energy and calm, pare down the stressors in your life -- and commit yourself to remaining calm and not letting yourself get provoked into stress-mode.  Here are ten stress-busting strategies you can use starting today.

1. Eat right.  Think protein at every meal and for snacks.  (That doesn’t necessarily mean meat.  Try beans, tofu, nuts, dairy, eggs and fish.)  Five to eight servings of whole fruits and veggies (not juice).  Healthy fats are fine in moderation (olive oil, nuts, avocado) but hydrogenated oils are really dangerous to your long-term health.  Sugar and sweet treats are just that – occasional treats – and should not be part of your regular diet.  Limit carbs except for whole grains.  Carbs throw off your blood sugar and hormones, make you tired and moody, and put on weight.  And make sure you take a multivitamin and a calcium/magnesium supplement, unless you’re sure you’re getting enough.
 
2. Half an hour of sweat inducing activity daily will cut cortisol levels, boost progesterone, and burn fat.  What more incentive do you need?  Turn on the music and get your kids dancing with you!

3. This is the hardest one by far for mothers.  Get enough sleep, even if it means napping when your kids nap and going to bed at 9pm.  Don't worry, these years are over fast.

4. Pare down your schedule.  Prioritize your kids and your relationship.  Then drop anything else you can.  Your house can stay a mess a little longer.  Serve scrambled eggs for dinner.  Just say no.  You’ll thank yourself.  Your kids will thrive.

5. Pay attention to breathing, calmly and deeply, as often as you remember, all day long.  Feeling stressed out?  Breathe.  Kids just dump their toys in the toilet? Breathe.  This will change your life.

6. Count your blessings and cultivate optimism.  Every time you start to feel negative, find as many things as you can to be grateful for, and really feel that gratitude.  Research shows this practice reduces stress and improves health and attitude.

7.  Cut your kids some slack.  Kids aren’t bad, they’re just young.  The fact that Michael clobbered his playmate or Jillian smeared poop on the wall doesn’t mean they’ll be psychopaths.  When they’re hardest to love is when they most need our love and understanding.  

8.  Cut yourself some slack.  There are no perfect moms, and there are no perfect people.  Practice positive self-talk.  Find ways to nurture yourself.   Loving yourself – really feeling your love for yourself – is the single most important thing you can do for yourself, and for your kids.

9. Life is too short for you to be stressing over bad relationships.  If you’re feeling stressed about your relationship with your husband or partner, make working things out a priority.  Go to counseling if necessary.  If you need more support in your life, find other moms with whom you feel comfortable and start building new friendships.

10. Find spirit in your life.   This doesn’t have to mean a higher power, although it might.  For some of us, it’s as simple as a walk in the woods or gazing at the stars.  Your kids benefit from quiet time in nature too.  We all need to reconnect regularly with the miracles that make life worth living.

Last Sunday The Washington Post ran a wrenching story by Gene Weingarten about parents who forget their sleeping baby or toddler is still in the car seat, park the car, and leave the baby in a locked, hot or cold car all day to die. 

My first thought, of course, was that I would never do that.  Forget about my baby?!  What's wrong with these people? But these parents were all sleep deprived and overwhelmed.  They were all doing something out of the ordinary, for instance, dropping the baby at daycare because their spouse was out of town, when it wasn't their usual routine.  So their brains went on auto-pilot and they drove to work as usual.  Rear-facing carseats and tinted glass in vans don't help.

I think I'm a terrific parent.  But I know what it's like to be sleep-deprived, and I've done plenty of dumb things on auto-pilot.  So I'm convinced that given the right conditions I, like most parents, could make this unbelievable error and leave my child to die.

But here's what I haven't seen talked about in all the outpouring of response to this story.  The conditions that create such a tragedy aren't conditions any parents should put up with, or any kids grow up in. 

That may sound harsh, given the economic constraints on families today.  But this wasn't the first sign these parents had that their lives were out of kilter.  The universe always taps you on the shoulder before it slugs you in the face.  If these parents had paid attention to those shoulder taps, they could have made appropriate changes in their lives before their children were sacrificed.

I want to be clear that I'm not blaming the parents. They're victims too, of a society that expects parents to "do it all" -- raise small children and work full-time.  Most of us do it and consider it normal, without understanding the high cost to our children.  Most of the time, we muddle through, not realizing that our toddler's tantrums or our preschooler's anxiety come directly from our way of life.  Sometimes, it's a recipe for disaster.

****************

I want to thank GC, who wrote to the Wall Street Journal Blog The Juggle with a compilation of suggestions for parents.  I'm taking the liberty of passing them on in the hopes that awareness can prevent some future tragedies. 

*Keep your purse or bag in the back seat with the baby
* Ensure that all childcare providers have up-to-date phone numbers and that they will call ALL numbers if a child doesn’t show up
* Mom check in on dad and vice versa, especially if routines are shifted on any given day
* What about setting your cell phone to beep at the time that you arrive at the workplace, and then when it beeps, you always look back to make sure the child isn’t there (or you call your partner to make sure the child is dropped off)?
* A buddy system with another mom or dad?
* Some sort of system where you turn a different radio station on — one you don’t normally listen to — when you get in the car and you need to do something different than your normal routine?
* What about sticking a sign on your chest “Baby on Board!” that you’ll have to remove when you drop off the baby? (or coworkers will alert you to the problem because they’ll see the sign).
* What about getting a reminder flag like the ones that motorcyclists use so that they don’t accidentally drive off with locks on their wheels? (http://www.lockitt.com/accessoriesreminders.htm). Stick one end on the car seat, and the other end on your door handle or somewhere like that, and make it part of the strapping-in process.
* Give a car seat alarm system as a baby-welcoming gift.

On my radio show today (every Wednesday at noon ET at MyExpertSolution.com) I interviewed Elizabeth Pantley about her new book, The No-Cry Nap Solution: Guaranteed Gentle Ways to Solve All Your Naptime Problems. I think this may be her best book yet because it addresses the questions parents ask most often, like "How do I put my baby down awake so he learns to fall asleep in the crib, when he always falls asleep nursing?" and "My baby hates sleeping on her back, she always startles awake.  What can I do?"

Elizabeth happened to mention her checklist for safe co-sleeping, and several listeners contacted me later to ask about it.  I'm reprinting it here as a guest blog, but I also encourage you to check out Elizabeth's website, where she has a wealth of material like this.  Here's her Checklist for Safe Co-Sleeping:

♦  Your bed must be absolutely safe for your baby. The best choice is to place the mattress on the floor, making sure there are no crevices that your baby can become wedged in. Make certain your mattress is flat, firm, and smooth. Do not allow your baby to sleep on a soft surface such as a waterbed, sofa, pillowtop mattress, beanbag chair, or any other flexible and yielding structure. 

♦  Make certain that your fitted sheets stay secure and cannot be pulled loose. 

♦  If your bed is raised off the floor, use mesh guardrails to prevent baby from rolling off the bed, and be especially careful that there is no space between the mattress and headboard or footboard. (Some guardrails designed for older children are not safe for babies because they have spaces that could entrap tiny bodies.)
If your bed is placed against a wall or against other furniture, check every night to be sure there is no space between the mattress and wall or furniture where baby could become stuck.

♦  An infant should be placed between his mother and the wall or guardrail. Fathers, siblings, grandparents, and babysitters don't have the same instinctual awareness of a baby's location as do mothers. Mothers: Pay attention to your own sensitivity to baby. Your little one should be able to awaken you with a minimum of movement or noise — often even a sniff or snort is usually enough. If you find that you sleep so deeply that you only wake when your baby lets out a loud cry, seriously consider moving baby out of your bed, perhaps into a cradle or crib near your bedside.

♦  Use a large mattress to provide ample room and comfort for everyone.

♦  Consider a “sidecar” arrangement in which baby's crib or cradle sits directly beside the main bed.

♦  Make certain that the room your baby sleeps in, and any room he might have access to, is childproof. (Imagine your baby crawling out of bed as you sleep to explore the house. Even if he has not done this — yet — you can be certain he eventually will!)

♦  Do not ever sleep with your baby if you have been drinking alcohol, if you have used any drugs or medications, if you are an especially sound sleeper, or if you are suffering from sleep deprivation and find it difficult to wake.

♦  Do not sleep with your baby if you are a large person, as a parent's excess weight poses a proven risk to baby in a co-sleeping situation. I cannot give you a specific weight-to-baby ratio; simply examine how you and baby settle in next to each other. If baby rolls towards you, if there is a large dip in the mattress, or if you suspect any other dangerous situations, play it safe and move baby to a bedside crib or cradle.

♦  Remove all pillows and blankets during the early months. Use extreme caution when adding pillows or blankets as your baby gets older. Dress baby and yourselves warmly for sleep. (A tip for breastfeeding moms: wear an old turtleneck or t-shirt, cut up the middle to the neckline, as an undershirt for extra warmth.) Keep in mind that body heat will add warmth during the night. Make sure your baby doesn't become overheated.

♦  Do not wear nightclothes with strings or long ribbons. Don't wear jewelry to bed, and if your hair is long, pin it up.

♦  Don't use strong-smelling perfumes or lotions that may affect your baby's delicate senses.

♦  Do not allow pets to sleep in bed with your baby.

♦  Never leave your baby alone in an adult bed unless that bed is perfectly safe for your baby, such as a firm mattress on the floor in a childproof room, and when you are nearby or listening in on baby with a reliable baby monitor. 

Is your child a cat-napper? Does your baby fall asleep being fed, while in a car seat, sling, rocker, or someone’s arms? When transferred to bed, does your baby then sleep 30 to 50 minutes? That’s the exact length of one sleep cycle. These factors combined define the main cause of mini-naps: an inability to fall asleep or stay asleep without aid – your baby wakes fully at the end of the first sleep cycle, resulting in a too-short nap. I refer to this problem as One-Cycle Sleep Syndrome (OCSS). This leads us to understand the reason that many babies are cat-nappers and also directs us to potential solutions.

Cycle-Blender Naps
One way to help your baby sleep longer is to put him for a nap in a setting that will lull him back to sleep when he wakes between sleep cycles. Cycle-Blender naps occur in slings, cradle-swings, rocking cradles, or baby hammocks. Any of these can help cat-nappers extend their sleep time because when Baby begins to awaken the rhythmic motion can lull him back to sleep.

You can also create a Cycle-Blender nap in a stroller. Take a daily walk outside (it’s good for both of you!) or bring your stroller in the house. Walk your baby until she falls asleep, and then park the stroller near you. If she starts to move about, resume walking or give her a bit of a bounce and jiggle.

Once your baby gets used to taking a longer nap in the stroller, you can make a transition to bed naps. Start by reducing the movement, rolling slower and for less time. After your baby is asleep, park the stroller, using the jiggle if she wakes mid-nap. Over time, let your baby fall asleep in the stationary stroller parked next to his crib, and when the nap habit is in place, change to naps in the crib.

Create a Sleep-Inducing Bedroom
To encourage longer naps, keep the sleeping room dark so bright light doesn’t keep him alert between sleep cycles. To soothe your child through sleep cycle changes, use white noise (a recording of nature sounds), or relaxing music. Keep this on all through naptime. This creates a sleep cue and will mask noises that can wake a child who is shifting through sleep cycles.

Build a Better Bed
To entice your baby to have a longer nap, recreate the crib into a cozier nest. Use softer sheets, such as flannel, plus a thicker, softer crib mattress pad. You can also warm the bed surface before naptime with a towel fresh from the dryer (remove this and test the surface before laying your baby down.)

Make the Bed a Familiar Place
Let your baby have several play sessions in his crib during waking hours. Stay with him, engage his interest and introduce a few new toys. Let him see you as a part of the crib experience so that he gets a happy feeling being there. This way, when he is put in his crib for naptime and wakes up mid-nap it won’t be a lonely, foreign place, but one that carries familiar memories of fun times with you. This can help him accept it as a safe place for sleep and allow him to fall back into slumber after that first sleep cycle.

Interpret Signs of Tiredness
If you put your child for a nap before he is tired, or when he is overtired he won’t sleep as well as when you hit that ideal just-tired moment. Observe your child for signs of tiredness, such as losing interest in toys, looking glazed, becoming cranky, or slumping in his seat. Put your child for a nap the moment you see any sign of fatigue. If you take note of the time that this occurs over a week you should see a pattern emerge. This can help you set up a daily nap schedule that suits your child’s tired times perfectly.

Gauge time spans between naps
In addition to signs of tiredness also watch to see how long your child has been awake. Children can only stay happily awake for a certain period of time until they receive a biological pull towards a nap. Once that “pull” begins your child becomes fatigued and his cheerful mood begins to deteriorate. Each child has unique sleep needs, but this chart shows the typical span of time a child can stay happily awake:

Age Awake time span
Newborn 1 – 2 hours
6 month old 2 – 3 hours
12 month old 3 – 4 hours
18 month old 4 – 6 hours
2 year old 5 – 7 hours
3 year old 6 – 8 hours
4 year old 6 – 12 hours

Keep in mind that children grow and change and their nap schedule should change with them. What’s perfect today may be different than what is perfect next month. Keep your eye on your baby and on the clock..