Parenting Blog

All kids -- like all humans -- get angry.  Anger is a defense against deeper feelings of fear, hurt, disappointment, and pain.  When those feelings are too devastating, we automatically move into anger to keep ourselves from feeling so much pain.  We mobilize against the perceived threat by attacking. (The best defense is a good offense.)

Sometimes attacking makes sense, but only when there is actually a threat.  That's rare.  Most of the time when kids get angry, they want to attack their little brother (who broke their treasured memento), their parents (who disciplined them "unfairly"), their teacher (who embarrassed them) or the playground bully (who scared them.)

When kids live in a home where anger is handled in a healthy way, they generally learn to manage their anger constructively.  That means:

  * Controlling aggressive impulses - By the time they're in kindergarten, kids should be able to tolerate the flush of adrenaline and other "fight" chemicals in the body  without acting on them by clobbering someone. As we accept our child's anger and remain calm, she lays down the neural pathways -- and learns the emotional skills -- to calm down without hurting herself, others, or property.

  * Acknowledging the more threatening feelings under the anger - Once the child can let himself experience his grief over the broken treasure, his hurt that his mother was unfair, his shame when he didn't know the answer in class, or his fear when his classmate threatened him, he can move on.  He no longer needs his anger to defend against these feelings, so the anger evaporates. 

 * Constructive Problem-Solving - The goal is for your child to use the anger as an impetus to change things as necessary so the situation won't be repeated. This may include moving his treasures out of little brother's reach, or getting parental help to deal with the bully.  It may also include acknowledging his own contribution to the problem, so that he resolves to do a better job following his parents' rules, or to come to class more prepared.

Obviously, it takes years of parental guidance for kids to learn these skills.  By the time kids are in kindergarten, though, they should have developed the neural pathways to calm themselves so that they can control their aggressive impulses even when they're very upset.  If parents are able to help kids feel safe enough to express their anger and explore the feelings underneath, kids are able to increasingly move past their anger into constructive problem-solving during the grade-school years.

How can parents help kids learn to manage their anger?

1. Remember that all feelings are allowed. Only actions need to be limited.

2. Never send a child away to "calm down" by herself. Remember that kids need your love most when they "deserve it least."

3. Stay close and connected when your child is upset.  If you know what's going on, acknowledge it: "You are so angry that your tower fell."  If you don't know, say what you see: "You are crying now."

Give explicit permission: "It's ok, everyone needs to cry (or gets mad, or feels very sad) sometimes. I will stay right here while you get all your sads and mads out."  If you can touch him, do so soothingly: "Here's my hand on your back, loving you."  If he yells at you to go away, say: "You want me to go away.  I will step back like this.  But I am right here.  I won't leave you alone with these big scary feelings."

4. . Stay calm.  Kids learn from you that anger and other upsetting feelings are not so scary as they seem -- after all, Mom isn't scared of them.  That's how they learn to soothe themselves. 

If you are in the habit of yelling at your kids, know that you are modeling behavior that your child will adopt by the time she's a teen, if not well before.  It is possible to stop yelling.  Really.  I've seen many parents do it. If you want help to stop yelling, you might want to listen to my MP3, "How to Stop Yelling at Your Child."

I'll also be doing a live audio workshop in September to support parents who want to stop yelling.  If you want to be notified about that workshop, please drop me a note.

5. Help your child develop emotional intelligence.  Kids who are comfortable with their feelings manage their anger constructively.  There's a whole section on this website on emotional intelligence.

The good news?  Just by paying attention to your parenting, you're giving your child tools you weren't given when you were growing up.  You came out ok.  Your child will be even better off.  Feels good, doesn't it?

"I'm struggling with my own inability to be present and show empathy to my young children when they are having meltdowns. I want to be able to do this. I know this is the right thing to do. But when the meltdowns start, something in me shifts and all my good intentions fly out the window and I just want to get away from them. I'm not sure how to change this behaviour because it seems so deep-rooted in me."

Who hasn't had a hard time with this?  I know that when my child starts to lose it, something in me wants to scream "No!"

• No, I don't have time for this right now!
• No, you're embarrassing me, people are looking!
• No, why can't she be reasonable?
• No, we've been through this, not again! 
• No, she is so self-centered, I need to teach her a lesson!
• No, what am I doing wrong that she's tantrumming again?
• No, I know this is my fault, I should have... I shouldn't have...!
• No, why is she doing this to me?!
• No, why can't you just suck it up the way I do?

Bingo.  If I had acted like that as a child, I would have had it knocked out of me -- probably physically, but at least with the threat of abandonment.  Like most kids in my generation, I learned to stuff my feelings.  I learned they were dangerous. 

I was lucky enough to have some excellent therapy and a meditation practice before I had kids.  That helped me to notice my own thoughts and feelings, and train myself to tolerate my child's. But most of us enter parenting without that head start. 

So when our child has a meltdown, the little one inside of us gets triggered.  Danger signs flash. As always when danger looms, we feel a sense of panic.  We just want to get away (that's flight) or we feel a sudden rage -- we want to MAKE him shut up (that's fight) or we go numb (that's freeze).

Holding him with empathy, allowing him to let all those feelings out? Witnessing his anger without taking it personally?  That's a stretch for most parents, maybe an impossible one. All of our good intentions fly out the window.

And yet every child has numerous experiences of fear, anger, frustration and sadness that need to be expressed and accepted. That's a foundation of emotional intelligence, which allows kids to learn to manage their emotions.

So what can we do to address our own deep-rooted feelings, so we can be there for our kids?

1.  Acknowledge your own feelings.  Our panic in the face of our child's raw emotions is an issue from our own childhoods.  The only way to uproot it is to see how it served us when we were little.  Say to your rising panic:  "Thanks for keeping me safe when I was little.  I'm grown now.  All these feelings are ok. I can handle this."

2. Remind yourself that it isn't an emergency. This isn't a threat; it's your beloved child, who needs your love right now.  Whatever happens, you can handle it. If your mind persists in setting off alarms, tell it you'll deal with those concerns later, not now.

3. Remind yourself that this is a good thing.  We know your child will feel these feelings, no matter what.  The only question is whether you make it ok for him to express them, or whether you teach him they're dangerous.  (Just in case you're wondering, it's the emotions we repress that pop out without warning and get us into trouble.) Even if you can't say a whole-hearted YES! when your child starts to melt down, try to move from your automatic NO! to a warm-hearted OK, just the way you do at other times when your child needs you.

4. Take the pressure off.  You don't have to fix your child or the situation.  All you have to do is stay present.  Your child doesn't even need the red cup, or whatever he's crying for, he needs your loving acceptance of him, complete with all his tangled up feelings. His disappointment, rage, grief? They're all ok, and they will all pass without you doing a thing.

5. Take a deep breath and choose love.  Every choice we make, at core, is a move towards either love or fear.  Let your caring for your child give you the courage to choose love.  Not just love for your child, but love for the child you once were, and the parent you are now.  Just keep breathing, and saying to yourself "I choose love."  (Too corny?  Research shows this works.  But you can easily find another effective mantra:  "She's acting like a kid because she IS a kid....This too shall pass....I came out ok and she will too."  Whatever works for you.)

6. Keep it simple. Your child needs you to witness her outpouring of emotion and let her know that she is still a good person, despite all these yucky feelings.  So she needs your reassurance and permission.  Explanations, negotiations, remorse, recriminations, analysis of why she's so upset, or attempts to "comfort" her ("There, there, you don't have to cry, that's enough") will all shut down this natural emotive process.  You don't have to say much.  Your calm, loving tone is what matters.  Maybe:

You are so upset. 
Go ahead and cry.
That's ok.  Everybody needs to cry sometimes.
I hear how mad and sad you are.
I will stay right here while you get all those mad and sad feelings out.
You're telling me to go away, so I will move back a little bit, but I won't leave you alone with these scary feelings.
When you're ready, I am right here to hug you.

7. Find a good listener so that you can talk about your feelings.  Nothing triggers primal emotions like parenting.  You also need to vent, which means you need someone to listen.  Someone who will resist giving you advice.  Someone who won't be shocked when you admit that you wanted to slam your kid against the wall or leave him there in the grocery store, because they know everyone has felt this way, and you wouldn't actually do it. Someone who won't get triggered and go into a panic about whether it's ok for you, or your child, to feel such things.  Someone who will let you cry, who will be there for you just as you're there for your child.

This is hard work for parents, but a great gift to our children.  The good news is that once we say YES to children's full range of feelings, they learn to manage them in healthy ways.  In fact, you'll see positive results immediately after every "tantrum" that you meet with love, because your child will feel so much better for the rest of the day. That's unconditional love in action.

"Dear Dr. Laura.....I have no idea how to be the parent who doesn’t yell….it is so deeply ingrained into me..."

It isn't easy to stop yelling.  You can desperately want to, and still find yourself screaming. Of course, it's completely justified by your child's behavior, if you want to look at it that way.  And it's probably predictable, if you look at your own upbringing.

But we all know that our kids respond better if we don't yell.  Instead of escalating a difficult situation, if we can stay calm, it settles everyone else down.  Our relationship with our child strengthens.  They cooperate more.  They start to control their own emotions more.  Bottom line: How can you expect your child to control his own emotions if you don't control yours?

if you know that you want to stop yelling, I assure you that it's completely possible -- no matter how ingrained it is.  It's not rocket science. It takes about three months. Like learning the piano, you start playing scales today, you practice daily, and soon you can pick out simple tunes. In a year you can play a sonata.

Will it be hard to stop yelling?  Yes. It doesn't happen as if by magic. It takes constant, daily effort.  No one can do it for you. But I've seen hundreds of parents do it.

Want to get started?

1. Make sure you aren't running on empty. Stress kills your relationships, your compassion, and your body.

2. Set limits with your kids before things get out of control, while you can still be empathic and keep your sense of humor.

3. Stop controlling and start connecting. You're yelling because you want to change your child's behavior, right? Take the time to see things from your kid's point of view. She has a reason for what she's doing. It may not be what you think is a good reason, but if you address the reason, you change the behavior. Without raising your voice.

4. Manage your mind so you aren’t letting fear run you. There’s only ever one choice – love or fear. Choose love. Love never fails.

5. Think "CALM." You can never control the other person, only yourself.  Luckily, that's enough. Do whatever you need to, to stay calm in the situation.  Whatever your child has just done, you will react more constructively from a place of calm.  Don't escalate the storm.  Your child is counting on you to be the calming influence.

6. Just Stop, Drop, and Breathe.  Remember that you'll make mistakes. When you find yourself in the middle of losing your temper, stop. Breathe. Walk out of the room, even if you were mid-sentence. When you're calm, start over. 

Before you know it, you'll catch yourself before you start yelling. It may seem like a miracle, but this is something you can do. Which doesn't make it less of a miracle.

That's it.  Hard, yes.  But you can do this.  Want some support?  My Teleseminar this Friday is a for parents who want to stop yelling.  Come talk with me.

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen.  When they're finished, I climb out."  -- Erma Bombeck

What happens when your kid does something that makes you want to scream? What are your options?

You really don’t have many.  You can scream and then feel remorseful later.  Or you can resist screaming.  In other words, you can escalate the upset, or you can try to stay calm to settle everyone down.

You have more options if you take positive action BEFORE you feel like screaming. Some parents are trying so hard to be patient they let things get out of hand, and then snap.  The key is to set limits BEFORE you get angry.

Often when we lose it with our children, it’s because we haven’t set a limit, and something is grating on us. The minute you start getting angry, it’s a signal to do something. No, not yell.  It’s time to intervene in a positive way to prevent more of whatever behavior is irritating you.

If your irritation is coming from you -- let’s say you’ve just had a hard day, and their natural exuberance is wearing on you -- explain that and ask your kids to be considerate.  If the kids are doing something that’s increasingly annoying -- playing a game in which someone is likely to get hurt, stalling when you’ve asked them to do something, squabbling while you’re on the phone -- you may need to interrupt what you’re doing.  Then:

   1. Make a positive connection with your child

   2. Empathize with whatever they’re expressing

   3. Restate your rule or expectation

   4. And Redirect them into positive activity.

Calmly, kindly, cheerfully do whatever is necessary — for instance, sending them outside or into separate rooms -- to keep the situation, and your anger, from escalating.

But what if despite your best efforts something happens that pushes you over the edge?

• If necessary, intervene to move a child out of danger.
• Take a deep breath.
• Consciously speak in as calm a tone as you can manage.
• Say "I need to calm down. I'll be back in a minute" and move away from your child. (If one child was being attacked by the other, take that child with you to keep him safe.)
• Breathe deeply a few times.  Shake the tension out through your fingers. Remind yourself "He's acting like a child because he IS a child." Do whatever calms you.
• Move back to your child and set whatever limit you need to as empathically as you can. Tell your child that you'll talk more once everyone calms down, but right now you need for everyone to take some chill time. Be aware that you may trigger his abandonment fears. You don't have to be in separate rooms.  You can even be on the same couch, unless you're too angry.  Move as far away from your child as necessary to let yourself calm down.
• Later, when everyone’s calm, talk with him about how he might handle such a situation in the future. ("I know you were mad, but we don't throw toys.  Let's sit together and calm down for a few minutes....hmmm...so you were really mad, huh? I see.  I know what it's like to feel that mad.  But toys are not for throwing....hmmm...What could you do next time instead of throwing something?....Do you think you could call me for help? Go out side and throw a ball?  Stomp your foot? What else?")

What if you find yourself screaming before you can stop yourself?  The minute you notice it, just stop.  In mid-sentence.  Close your mouth.  If you do this every time, sooner or later you'll be able to stop yourself before you start screaming.  You'll be on your way to becoming a parent who never screams.  Easy? No. Possible?  Absolutely.  I'll be here cheering you on.

"Sending children away to get control of their anger perpetuates the feeling of 'badness" inside them...Chances are they were already feeling not very good about themselves before the outburst and the isolation just serves to confirm in their own minds that they were right." -- Otto Weininger,Ph.D. Time-In Parenting

When our kids have a melt-down, it pushes buttons for most of us.  We want to be loving parents.  Why is our child being so unreasonable? We certainly weren't indulged this way when we were little.

Many parents are tempted to send an angry child to her room to "calm down."  Eventually, she will indeed calm down, but she'll also have gotten a clear message that her anger is unacceptable, and that she's on her own when it comes to managing her big scary feelings. No wonder so many of us develop anger-management issues, whether that means we yell at our kids, or overeat to avoid acknowledging angry feelings.

So what can we do instead? We can help our kids learn to manage their anger constructively.

One of the most critical tasks of childhood is learning to tolerate the wounds of everyday life without moving into reactive anger.  Kids don't learn this through banishment, but by us teaching them to honor all their feelings, while being responsible for their actions.

When your child gets angry:

1. Take a deep breath. Remind yourself that there is no emergency.  Keep yourself from moving into fight or flight. (Your child is not threatening your well-being by getting angry!)

2. Remind yourself that tantrums are nature's way of helping small people let off steam.  Their brains are still developing and they don't yet have the neural pathways to control themselves as we do. (The best way to help them develop those neural pathways is to offer empathy, during the tantrum and at other times.) It's ok, even good, for them to tantrum, as long as they feel safe and accepted. Usually after we support kids through a tantrum, they feel closer to us and more trusting.  They feel better inside, and they go on to have a much better day,

3. Remember that anger is always a defense against deeper unhappiness like hurt, fear or sadness. All of us get angry, and little ones get angry more often.  That's because the happiness of all small children, to some degree, depends on them getting what they want. Losses and disappointments can feel like the end of the world to a child, and kids will do anything to fend off these intolerable feelings, so they cry and rage and lash out.  If they feel safe expressing their anger, they will move into the more threatening feelings underneath.  That's when they collapse into our arms and cry.

4. Set whatever limits are necessary to keep everyone safe, while acknowledging the anger.  "I see you are really angry. You wish you could get what you want right now. I'm so sorry, but you can't have that. You can be as mad as you want, but hitting is not ok, no matter how upset you are. It's ok to show me how mad you are. You can scream and stomp and push on me if you want."

5. Keep yourself safe.  Kids often benefit from pushing against us, so if you can tolerate it, that's fine to allow, even good. But if your kid is hitting you, hold his wrist and say "I don't think I want that fist so close to me.  I see how angry you are.  You can hit the pillow, or push on me, but I won't let you hurt me."  Kids don't want to hurt us -- it makes them feel terrible afterwords.

6. Stay as close as you can.  Your child needs an accepting witness who loves him even when he's angry.  If you need to move away to stay safe, tell him "I won't let you hurt me, so I'm moving back a bit, but I am right here.  I'll stay with you while you have these big feelings. Whenever you're ready for a hug, I'm here." If he yells at you to "Go away!" say "You're telling me to go away, so I am moving back a step, ok?  I won't leave you alone with these upsetting feelings, but I will move back."

6. Don't try to reason or explain.  When she's awash in adrenaline and other fight or flight reactions is not the time to explain why sugar is bad for her or get her to admit that she actually loves her little sister.  Acknowledge her upset and reassure her that you will stay with her until she calms down.

7. Don't try to evaluate whether he's over-reacting.  Of course he's over-reacting -- he's so little!  But remember also that small children experience daily hurts and fears that they can't verbalize and that we don't even notice.  They store them up and then look for an opportunity to "discharge" them. So if your kid has a meltdown over the blue cup and you really can't go right now to get the red cup out of the car, it's ok to just lovingly welcome his meltdown. You can usually tell when your child just needs to cry.  

8. Acknowledging his anger will help him calm down a bit. Then help him get under his anger. Make eye contact. "I hear you are so angry you want to hit. I wonder if you are also sad. You really wanted that. You feel so sad and disappointed that you can't have that." Once you recognize the feelings under the anger, he will probably pause in his anger and you will see some vulnerability or even tears. "I wonder if you are so sad it makes you want to cry. That's ok. Everyone feels that way sometimes. We all need to be held so we can cry sometimes. You feel so sad...."

Gradually, your child will internalize the ability to weather disappointment, and learn that while he cannot always get what he wants, he can always get something better -- someone who loves and accepts all of him, including the yucky parts like rage and disappointment.