Parenting Blog

"All mothers are working mothers." -- Author Unknown

It's interesting that on Mothers Day, most families celebrate by giving Mom some time away from the kids. Not that I'm complaining -- we all need a break now and then to be inspired mothers.  But we also all know that this one day of being "taken care of" does nothing to address the fact that most Moms still shoulder the lion's share of child-raising and home-making, even if they also have paid jobs.

The Mothers Day I'd really like to see would honor Moms by actually making their lives better, not just give them breakfast in bed and a break while Dad takes the kids on an outing.  What would I like to see this Mothers Day?

• More recognition that having a child isn't just something parents work around, but a profound shift in our lives  that makes everything else diminish in importance.
• Coupons from the kids that Mom can use for a "No-Bickering Car Ride," a "Complaint-free Dinner" or"One Week of Brushing Teeth without Being Reminded."
• A commitment to shared housework, so that everyone else in the family takes on some chore that otherwise would fall to Mom -- all year long!
• Admiration for the real, tough, invisible work of mothering: Responding with compassion to all the varieties of trying behavior that immature humans can exhibit.
• More acknowledgment in our society that it’s in everyone’s best interests to support families, because productive, responsible citizens only develop from kids whose emotional needs are met as they grow up.
• Paid sick leave for all working parents -- and the ability to take those days off if their kid is sick, without penalty.
• More job sharing, flex time, and other family-friendly workplace practices.
• An end to the "Mommy Wars," with the understanding that raising kids is the hardest work there is, that it's an art, not a science, that happy moms raise happy kids, that we all love our children and that we're all doing the best we can to meet their needs.
•  An end to pitting kids' needs against moms' needs -- with Dads fully sharing the joys and burdens of "the second shift."
• Kids writing "Thank You, Mom" letters (dictated by the little ones) or making "Mommy & Me" booklets. Speaking from experience, these misspelled and illegible letters will be treasured more with each passing year and may end up framed around the time the kid graduates from high school.

Thank you for your commitment to being an inspired parent to your child.  You inspire me.

Thank you for all you do.

Click here for your Mothers Day Card

Want to stop yelling at your kids?  Ready to start having dinner as a family?  Need to find a way to rebuild your relationship with your son or daughter? Desperate to change the tone in your house from sniping and snotty to laughing and loving?

Beyond the obvious opportunity for religious teaching -- and embodying the spirit of giving -- the New Year is a great time for families to reflect on, appreciate, and evolve their lives together.

It’s traditional at Kwanzaa to rededicate oneself to living a principled life. The rest of us usually rely on the tradition of making a New Year’s resolution. Unfortunately, studies show that most Americans make New Year's Resolutions, but most abandon them in frustration and self-disgust within a few weeks. Why?  

Their resolutions were too vague, or too overwhelming, or they didn’t have a plan, or they didn’t make their resolution into a habit, or they didn’t revise their plans to accommodate reality when they hit a wall. Or, most of the time, they never really committed themselves, so their resolution couldn’t grow roots, much less flower. Sound familiar?

There are a few lucky folks who actually make their New Year's resolutions come true, however. What can we learn from their secrets?

1. Prioritize. You can't get more fit, stop yelling at your kids, and get a promotion at work all at once. However, if you do one of these things, it gives you confidence to tackle the others.  The only way anyone ever met a big goal was by breaking it into little pieces and accomplishing one day at a time.  Set a manageable goal for January, and then make a list of "next goals" to cultivate in turn after you've mastered your first resolution. Take it one step at a time. If you make a daily choice to take a step in your desired direction, soon you’ll find yourself in a whole new landscape.

2. Commit yourself – on paper. Once we set an intention, the universe lines up to support us.  We marshal resources we never even suspected we had available, from both inside and out. Hone your desire: Why do you want this goal?  What will be different in your life once you achieve it? Describe what your life will look like. Fierce desire + Intention = the seed of your Resolution. Without that seed, nothing grows.

3. Start by centering yourself. It's hard to launch a new project when you're already stressed out. Before you tackle a big new goal, set a smaller goal to get yourself more grounded. For instance, commit to finding ten minutes a day to sit quietly while you meditate, pray, chant, feel gratitude, or write in a journal. Studies show that just ten minutes a day doing any of these things diminishes stress, increases happiness, and assists in weight loss. It helps us become more loving and patient with ourselves and others. And it gives us the springboard from which to make other changes in our lives.  Consider this tilling the soil. Your Resolution might grow without it, but don’t you want to give yourself the best possible shot at success?

4. Make a plan. How will you support yourself to accomplish your resolution? What will you actually do, day by day, to achieve your goal? Write it all down. Assign yourself a (reasonable) task for each day, with one day every week free for catch-up or time off. (It might be the same task every day; for instance, “Get up ten minutes earlier than usual to sit in silence.”) Put your your daily tasks on your calendar. Make a chart to check off your daily progress. Every day you stick to your plan, you’re growing roots.

5. Make it a habit. Most resolutions go wrong because they aren’t sustained for long enough to change a habit.  Habits need to be repeated at least once daily (preferably at the same time each day) for 30 days to become entrenched. Check in every day and take a positive action towards your goal. Think of this as watering your Resolution. Don’t lose heart if your Resolution isn’t flowering during the first month. You should be able to see those shoots poking up, and maybe some buds forming.  In other words, progress in the right direction.

6. Take it one day at a time.  If your change were easy, you'd already be doing it.  So naturally it's hard to imagine that change lasting forever, or even for a year.  But you can do anything for an hour, or an afternoon. From there, it isn't such a big stretch to go a whole day.  Before you know it,  you've clocked a week of your new life, and then a month.  What about those days when you blow it?  Plan now -- of course those days will happen!  If you learn from it, it's not a total loss.  What can you do next time so you keep to your resolution?  Use those times you fall short of your goal to make a plan for the future, now. 

7. Review and Revise. Check your plan every single day. Give yourself lavish positive reinforcement for every day you take a step forward – which should be almost every day. Cheer when you see the first flowers.  Not working? Maybe you need some sunshine. Find whatever support you need to help you make your plan a reality. Or some fertilizer; revise your plan as necessary. For instance, take smaller steps every day, so you can actually make some daily progress. Don’t be afraid to lengthen your timetable. Even two steps forward, one step back will get you where you’re going. Any goal worth achieving will take longer than you thought.  Sometimes the impossible just takes a little longer.

“My memories of Christmas as a child are of stress. My mother wanted everything to be perfect and got so worked up trying to do it all that it made the rest of the family crazy. I remember my dad comforting me when I was about 8yrs-old, I was crying and said 'I hate Christmas' and he said 'I do, too, honey. We just have to get through it.' For my kids I try to be relaxed and fun. We make ornaments for friends and family in December and give them out as we see people — gets us into the giving without thought of receiving. We take time to see the lights around town, to decorate and appreciate our tree. We talk about the other festivals of lights and remember that feasting and gifts are to make the darkest, coldest time of year merry. We celebrate the return of the sun. We relax and play and laugh and appreciate each other." --  Amy S

What's the #1 Parenting Survival Skill, in December and all year long?  No, not knowing how to out-argue your 11 year old, charm your 3 year old into cooperating, or even get your baby to sleep through the night.  The #1 parenting survival skill with any age child is to manage and nurture yourself so that you can stay calm and loving with your child.

Remember that the holidays are stressful for kids, and they depend on you.  Your good mood helps your child to regulate his own mood. If you’re out of balance, you won’t be able to help your kid stay on an even keel. In fact, if you’re anxious about everything you have to get done, I promise you that your child will begin to act out.

Your child doesn't need a magazine-spread holiday. She needs you, in a good mood, living the spirit of the season and spreading love and good cheer.  How?

• Pare back your schedule to do only the essentials. Just say no to whatever doesn’t bring you joy.
• Find ways to laugh at what will inevitably go wrong. The dog ate the turkey?  Order Chinese food and make the best of it.  This will give you so much laughter as you tell the story over the years that it's well worth the temporary disappointment!
• Be sure your own expectations of the season are reasonable. (What makes you think your difficult relative will suddenly be less difficult this year?)
• Make sure you nurture yourself and stay in balance. Start by getting enough sleep.
• The minute your mood veers from loving to frenzied, stop. Hug your children and regroup.
• Count your blessings and say thank you for everything good in your life, every day.
• At New Years, pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself on a job well done, not just in December, but all year long.

What’s your plan today to fill your own cup with love and joy?
May your day be filled with miracles, large and small.