Responsibility
We all want to raise responsible children. And we all want to
live in a world where others have been raised to be responsible, a
world where adults don’t shrug off their responsibilities as
citizens. As my three year old once said, "Don't grownups know they have to clean up their own messes?
So how do we raise our kids to take responsibility for their choices and their impact on the world?
Children
don't want just to be doted on. They need, like the rest of us,
to feel like they matter to the world, like their lives make a positive
contribution.
Children need to see themselves as response-able --
powerful and able to respond to what needs to be done. They need this for their self esteem, for their lives to have meaning, and also so that they will learn to handle themselves responsibly in the world.
The
bottom line is that kids will be responsible to the degree that we
expect them to be. Here, twelve everyday strategies guaranteed to
increase your kids’ “response-ability” quotient.
1. Hold your child accountable for her own messes. Do it kindly, do it supportively, but do it, even when it's easier to do it yourself. (And it’s almost always easier to do it yourself.) When your toddler spills her milk, say "That's ok. We can clean it up," as you hand her a paper towel and pick one up yourself. When your preschooler leaves her shoes scattered in your path, hand them to her and ask her to put them away, saying kindly "We always clean up our own stuff."
You will have to do
this, in one form or another, until they leave your home. But if
your kids learn early that "Everyone is responsible for their own
messes,” they will not only be easier for you to live with, they
will be better citizens of the world.
2. Kids need an opportunity to contribute to the common good.
All children contribute to the rest of us in some way, regularly.
Find that way and comment on it, even if it is just noticing when she
is kind to her little brother or that the rest of the family enjoys how
she’s always singing. Whatever behaviors you attend to and
praise will grow.
As your children get older, their contributions should increase appropriately, both within and outside the household. Kids need to grow into two kinds of responsibilities: their own self care, and contributing to the family welfare. Research indicates that kids who help around the house are also more likely to offer help in other situations than kids who simply participate in their own self care.
Of course, you can't expect them to develop a helpful attitude overnight. It helps to steadily increase responsibility in age appropriate ways. Toddlers can put napkins on the table, three year olds can set places. Four year olds can match socks, and five year olds can help you groom the dog. Six year olds are ready to clear the table, seven year olds to water plants, and eight year olds to fold laundry.
Remember that your goal isn't getting this job done, it's shaping a child who will take pleasure in contributing and taking responsibility. Make the job fun. Give as much structure, support, and hands-on
help as you need to, including sitting with him and helping for
the first thirty times he does the task, if necessary. Know that
it will be much harder than doing it yourself, but make it clear that
it is the child's responsibility to complete the task.
Eventually, he will be doing it himself.
3. Rather than simply giving orders, try asking your child to do the thinking.
For instance, to the dallying child in the morning, instead of barking
"Brush your teeth! Is your backpack packed? Don't forget
your lunch!," you could ask "What do you need to do to get ready for
school?" The goal is to keep them focused on their list, morning after
morning, until they internalize it and begin managing their own morning
tasks.
4. Provide routines and structure.
These are crucial in children’s lives for many reasons, not the
least of which is that it gives them repeated opportunities to manage
themselves through a series of not especially inviting tasks. First, they master the
bedtime routine and cleaning up toys and getting ready in the
morning. Then they develop successful study habits and grooming
habits. Finally, they learn basic life skills through repetition
of household routines like doing laundry or making simple meals.
5. Model responsibility and accountability.
"It's a pain to carry this trash till we get to the car, but I don't
see a trashcan and we never litter.” “This sign says
parking is reserved for handicapped people, so of course we can't take
that spot." "Oh,oh. I accidentally double-booked. I need to call right
away and cancel this appointment." Keep your promises to your child, and don't make excuses. If
you don’t follow through when you promise to pick up that
notebook he needs for school, or play that game with him on Saturday,
why should he be responsible about keeping his promises and agreements?
6. Hold your kids accountable for damaged goods. If kids help pay for lost library books and cell phones, windows broken by their baseball, or tools they've left out to rust from their own savings, the chances of a repeat infraction are slim.
7. Don’t rush to bail your child out of a difficult situation. Be available for problem-solving, and to insure that she doesn’t just sidestep the difficulty, but let her handle the problem herself, whether it requires offering an apology or making amends in a more concrete way.
8. Never label your child as "Irresponsible," because the way we see our kids is always a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, teach him the skills he needs to be responsible. If he always loses things, for instance, teach him to stop anytime he leaves somewhere -- his friend's house, school, soccer practice -- and count off everything he needs to take home.
9. Teach your kids to make a written schedule.
It may seem like overkill, but in our busy 21st century lives, all kids
need to master this skill by high school, or they simply won’t
get everything done. Begin on weekends during middle school, or
earlier, if their schedule is busy. Just take a piece of paper,
list the hours of the day on the left, and ask your child what he needs
to get done this weekend. Put in the baseball game, piano
practice, the birthday party, and all the steps of the science project
– shop for materials, build the volcano, write and print out the
description. Add downtime -- go for ice cream with dad, chill and
listen to music. Most kids find this keeps their stress level
down, since they know when everything will get done. Most
important, it teaches them to manage their time and be responsible
about their commitments.
10. All kids need the experience of working for pay,
which teaches them real responsibility in the real world. Begin
by paying your eight year old to do tasks you wouldn’t normally
expect of him (washing the car, weeding the garden), then encourage him
to expand to odd jobs in the neighborhood (walk the neighbor’s
dog or offer snow shoveling service in the winter), move on to
mother’s helper/babysitting jobs when it’s age appropriate,
and finally take on after-school or summer jobs. Few settings
teach as much about responsibility as the world of working for pay.
11. Create a No-Blame Household. We all, automatically, want to blame someone when things go wrong. As if fixing blame prevents a recurrence of the problem, or absolves us of responsibility. In reality, blaming makes everyone defensive, more inclined to watch their back -- and to attack -- than to make amends. It's the #1 reason kids lie to their parents. Worse yet, when we blame them, kids find all kinds of reasons it wasn't really their fault -- at least in their own minds -- so they're less likely to take responsibility and the problem is more likely to repeat.
Blame is the opposite of unconditional love. So why do we do it? To help us feel less out of control, and because
we can't bear the suspicion that we also had some role, however small,
in creating the situation. Next time you find yourself automatically beginning to blame someone,
stop. Instead, accept any responsibility you can – it’s good practice
to overstate your responsibility – without beating yourself up. (You're modeling, remember?) Then,
just accept the situation. You can always come up with better solutions
from a state of acceptance than a state of blame.
12. Teach your kids that as Eleanor Roosevelt said, they not only have the right to be an individual, they have an obligation to be one. Studies show that people who take responsibility in any given situation are people who see themselves as willing to be different and stand out. That's the kind of kid you want to raise.
