Social Intelligence for Elementary Schoolers
How can you help your child learn to make friends and get along with peers?
1. Don't take sides when she fights with her friends.
Listen to her views. Reflect her feelings. You can
hypothesize with her about the other person's point of view, but don't
make one person wrong ("I wonder if Angelina’s feelings were hurt when you and Jing Lin wouldn't join her club.")
2. Listen, when he has peer challenges,
which all kids do. If you tell him what to do, you put him in an
untenable position. Instead, help him to clarify his feelings,
and to problem solve the issue.
3. Avoid negating your child's perceptions about another person.
Instead, reflect and help clarify. As their feelings are acknowledged, we all restate, refine, and move past our upset. For
instance, instead of saying "I don't think Kiesha meant to be mean to you, and of course you can't disinvite her to your party!" it would be more effective to say "When
Kiesha said that in front of the other kids, it really embarrassed and
hurt you. You think she did it on purpose, and it makes you so mad you
don't even want her at your party." With this kind of mirroring, she's likely to get past her hurt and anger and make a better decision about how to proceed.
4. Bossiness is often a challenge with early elementary schoolers.
All kids both want to get their own way and still have other kids play
with them. Learning to negotiate is a critical skill at this age,
and parental intervention should merely guide your child, not solve the
problem. Try asking questions: “Is it more important to you to play the game your way or to have Catherine play with you?”
When another child is bossy, your daughter may need suggestions from
you about tactful ways to negotiate with her friends. Help her
with scripts: “I really want to play with you, Jasmine,
but we’ve been playing dress-up all morning, and I don’t
feel like it anymore. What can we do that we both want to
do?”
5. Be sensitive to cues from other parents and children, and intervene early.
For instance, if a parent says your son hit her son, be sure your son
knows how disappointed you are. Help your son think about how he
would have felt in the other child’s shoes, and go with him to
apologize. Explore fully with him what happened and what he can
do to control himself next time. Be clear that regardless of
provocation, what he does with his body is always his responsibility.
6. Help him to think through various problem-solving options. Often, once kids work through their feelings, they know what action to take. “I’m not mad at Sam anymore and I miss playing with him. I’m going to knock on this door.” But if he doesn’t, help him brainstorm. Sometimes he'll need help from you to know how to say no in a way that keeps both his friend and his integrity.
Why reflect feelings?
Instead of dismissing feelings:
"Dump her. Good riddance."
(which keeps your child stuck)
You can help your child work through feelings and come up with better solutions when you reflect:
"Having your friend diss you could really hurt."
